Satan's Orphans

Night of the Demons (2010)

2012-01-14T14:00:00.000-08:00

Do you like seeing washed up 90's actors in a ~~tentacle porn~~ poorly planed out re-make ... its only downhill from here guys ;)

(1/5)

RUN FOR LIVES AKA ZOMBIE AREN'T EATING MY FUCKING BRAINS

2012-01-12T11:57:00.000-08:00

http://runforyourlives.com/

For all you fucks who claim they could survive a good old fashioned zombie stampede.... Here' your chance. Run for your lives is a 5k through the woods with an obstacle course thrown in, but wait there's more! Now you're asking yourself, what makes this race for me Mr.Zombies? Well kids, your ass will be chased by hordes of zombies the whole damn race. What's that? You don't want to be chased by zombies, you say. Well guess fucking what? Yup, you can be a zombie and chase assholes like yours truly. Don't want to do either? Well, I'm sorry you're such a pussy, but you can get an observer pass and stand on the sidelines. Locations currently include: Baltimore, Atlanta, Boston, Indianapolis, Portland, Seattle, Pittsburgh, and San Diego. Your good friend Zombies Ate My Breakfast will be out running bitch ass zombies in Atlanta, possibly Boston as well. It is a bit pricey if you wait to the last second to sign up, so do it as soon as you can. There's camping, live music, and swag to be had as well.

~Zombies Ate My Breakfast

Basket Case 2 (1990) aka the foam rubber porn that should not exist

2012-01-11T18:05:00.000-08:00

after dieing Duane and Belisle are magically alive, Duane is nine years older and apparently he has severe brain damage or he cant act im not 100% on that ether way they hook up with a scary old lady and what looks like a rejected pbs kids show from there people die Duane acts stupid and then the movie ends and you feel as if they stole your love of Basket Case

I want to see this movie get into a knife fight with the garbage pail kids movie

(1/5)

Don Coscarelli’s JOHN DIES AT THE END

2012-01-11T10:45:00.000-08:00

Now call me biased if you want, being that the Phantasm series and Bubba Hotep are amongst my favorite films, but if you can tell me this movie doesn't look fucking amazing then get the fuck off this blog because you are in the wrong place. You should be reading something about the next Twilight movie while you try to cry yourself to sleep(Nickleback playing in the background of course). The movie reminds me a lot of Naked Lunch, well if it was on some fucking steroids and curb stomped some hippies. Keep an eye on this one, no release date yet.

~Zombies Ate My Breakfast

Donner Party

2012-01-11T06:52:00.000-08:00

Dear media,
STOP MAKING SHITTY FUCKING HORROR MOVIES ABOUT THE DONNER PARTY. GET FUCKING AIDS AND DIE. THAT IS ALL

DONNER PASS (no release date, thank satan)

~Zombie Ate My Breakfast

Quicksilver Highway (1997)

2012-01-06T12:22:00.000-08:00

Have you ever went bowling with your friends and reversed the rules so the lowest score wins I believe this is what Steven King and Clive Barker are doing here they are trying to see who can write the stupidest plot

(1/5)

Midnight Movie AKA How to analy fist the slasher genre

2012-01-02T10:25:00.000-08:00

So, you want to embarrass yourself and make the worlds shittiest slasher film? Sorry bro, but writer/director Jack Messitt and writer Mark Garbett have already defecated so heavily on the genre that you can never obtain the title belt.

Lets start from the beginning, the music was bad enough to make Buckcherry fans uncomfortable. I mean they opened up with some generic butt rock that makes Nickleback sound appealing. Then it gets even better, they found someone that sounds like Blink 182, but sucks even worse and play the fuck out of them for 30 minutes. Meanwhile, they start the whole elaborate bullshit back story about some old guy who played a slasher in an old horror movie(of course it turned him crazy, killed a bunch of people). So, he is locked in an asylum but disappears along side everyone in the building(no one seems to think this is a big deal), after they show him his movie to cure him. OH, OH don't forget his horror movie is magic and it shits ice cream(I made the ice cream part up). Then they cut to some bloody room, some symbols, and cops talk about a cult that is never mentioned again.

They have all the typical crappy card board cut out characters. Then all of a sudden they break out the most original character idea ever! A super loving boyfriend to the main character who just got accepted to a major college in a far far away universe. Don't worry folks this 30 year old high school kid refuses to leave his true love. Even the annoying blond chick from Heroes playing the chick who makes your popcorn couldn't save this movie. Seriously though, dick doesn't happen for at least 35 minutes, they keep trying to set up back story that they never actually fucking explain and it never ties together. It was like they got really fucking high and forgot what they were making a movie. So after 35 minutes of being subjected to the worst dialogue and characters ever created, some asshole shows up wearing half a skull mask from Mortal Kombat and toting some twirly ass raper knife thing he made in his shed. What about the tits and gore, you say? I mean every slasher flick has those to look forward to! Yea try again, blood and gore must have sky rocketed in cost, cause these assholes clearly couldn't afford either. Every kill was exactly the same and they cut away every time. Wait there's still tits! Yea, no there's not, unless you count the half second of nerd tits you would need to freeze frame. Honestly, we could get further into this, including the sweet "twist ending", but lets just not. Go look at some internet porn.........

1/5

~Zombie Ate My Breakfast

Sledgehammer (1983)

2011-12-26T12:50:00.000-08:00

All beware the ghost sledgehammer of a 12 year old ghost boy who we have no clue how he died or how he became 30 years older 20 years later all this and a gym rat party you will never forget!

(2.5/5)

Chillerama (2011)

2011-12-10T13:03:00.000-08:00

If your idea of fun is sitting at home and watching family guy reruns this is your movie and we here at Satan's Orphans strongly suggest one thing get up go to the kitchen sink open the cabinet underneath grab a big bottle of bleach and start chugging

(1/5) I Hate You

Tourist Trap (1979)

2011-11-12T18:35:00.000-08:00

This movie creeps me out well its more like blond guys, overalls and manikins creep me out and this movie is full of them

The Brood 1979

2011-10-29T16:47:00.000-07:00

With the help of modern psychiatry Nola Carveth has successfully made we want to vomit all over myself

T is for Turbo

2011-10-21T13:55:00.000-07:00

I have so little faith that filmmakers will get there shit together but there things that make me eat my words. I was turned on to the ABC's of Death and this happens to be a anthology of 26 directors who have made shorts films that get voted on by folks and from what I've seen its damn awesome. I've been busy of late trying to folks laugh with me instead of at me, made some progress little but still its an improvement. Take some time to watch some short films instead of watching a god damn remake!

T is for Turbo is five minutes of pure entertainment with an early troma feel, keep in my this short has entertained me more than any mainstream film has done in a long time. Who knows maybe will be remaking this in thirty years and some poorly educated knucklehead will rail against it long after Im dead or just given up on the state of films.

Like I always say, I hope I can tell someone smarter than me and they can do something about it.

T is for TURBO from RKSS.tv on Vimeo.

The Creature Walks Among Us (1956)

2011-10-05T05:40:00.000-07:00

I would have watched this years ago if someone had told me that the green mile was a remake of this film so sad ... so sad

(5/5)

StageFright: Aquarius (1987)

2011-10-03T14:54:00.000-07:00

this is a wonderful slasher if you can get past this one thing HOW THE FUCK CAN HE SEE WHATS GOING ON IN THAT OWL HEAD !!!!

(4/5)

Nightmare City (1980)

2011-09-27T15:41:00.000-07:00

everybody lookout its a plane full of guys with poo on there face and they're pissed

(2/5)

Necronomicon 1993

2011-09-06T18:06:00.000-07:00

So waaay back in 1993 some genius in Hollywood decided to make a movie based off of H.P. Lovecraft's Fabled book of the dead. How they thought this was a good idea is way beyond my fucking comprehension. This is basically a anthology movie with a wraparound story of H.P. (played by Herbert West himself Jeffrey Combs) stealing the book from some weird monk guys in new york city in the 20's it appears Lovecraft is seeing the future in the book as all of the stories take place in modern times (well 1993 ). The first of the stories deals with some guy who inherits an old family home by the sea and his wife is dead and he wants to bring her back. Of course he uses the Necronomicon left in the house from his ancestor who used it to resurrected his wife and child who died in shipwreck back in the day. Neither of these idiot dudes think that using the book of the dead to bring their dead family's back will be a bad idea. Those of us with some sense in out damn heads know it can only end with your wife coming back as a tentacle bitch intent on killing you . The man in modern times ends up almost being eaten by a Kracken/ Cthulu monster living under the house as it sinks into the ocean with him escaping via the roof and impaling the Kracken with a piece of glass right in his eye! The second story is all about all about the nerdy scientist who played Baxter Stockman in the second Ninja turtles movie who is keeping himself alive with some cold Mr freeze style serum. A reporter comes to investigate and of course he knocks her up. Blah blah stuff happens she leaves and comes back while hes killing someone for his serum stuff and his lab burns up and she is saved by the elderly landlord woman who always loved the Dr and they raise the baby presumably by killing people and draining the spinal fluid form them and using the Necronomicon just like the Dr was doing the whole time. The third and final story is a bout two cops one of which got the other preggers searching a warehouse for a serial killer named the butcher. Long story short the butcher is the man leading them around the whole time and hes working for aliens. The aliens are stealing people brains and putting them into weird Mynock looking creatures. The female cop wakes up in the "hospital" which is really the weird Mayan/alien temple spaceship thingy.

All in all this movie is pretty fucking great watch it!

Doctor Rampageo's thoughts can be heard everyday over at plasticgraveyard.com

im in there somewhere

2011-09-06T17:47:00.000-07:00

So ive been writing for http://www.plasticgraveyard.com/ why they would want me is far beyond my comprehension it must be more trouble censoring my 12 word posts with a dick photo attached than to just not have me share my hate ummmm yeah sift through the toy photos to find the non horror movies ive been watching

Insidious 2010

2011-08-27T11:00:00.000-07:00

So darth maul is haunting a child while poltergeist and amniville horror get poorly ripped off by a hack hard to believe its going downhill from dead silence

(1/5)

Mark of the Devil (1970)

2011-08-24T04:21:00.000-07:00

If you ever find yourself thinking that you want to pursue the glorious career of a witch finder this is a must see inside look at the inner politics and the perks of the job

(4/5)

Devil (2010)

2011-08-09T08:49:00.000-07:00

After watching the Mechanist M. Night Shyamalan re-wrote the plot to saw with a mouth breather a bitchy old lady and friends

My Weekend in the burbs... I wanna take strangers out with direct headshots

2011-07-24T14:40:00.000-07:00

So how in the world would you like to separate yourself from civilization? Me, I like to take a large chuck of time and watch a large number of films over the span of a weekend. I will not delve deep into any of the nine movies that I wasted my time with the aid of red wine and a vaporizer. I have placed all of the dvds in a stack of the order they were seen.

The first is Beverly Hills cop, the classic Eddie Murphy fish of of water tale with a loose cannon cop played by Eddie and the highlight is Cousin Balki from Perfect Strangers doing what Jeremy Piven did in Rush Hour... it just happens Cousin Balki was just funnier.

The seemingly 80s tv movie remake of the Bad Seed, Now this updated version of the play comes across with all the flavor of boiled chicken and David Carradine really shades in his life playing a drunk/chester the molester/retard... his scenes come across like he is trying to flirt with Mae West, I get it this is the help but do you need to push the plot along by having a drunk who points out a little girls panties??? Fans of flowers in the attic, dig this one

The Burbs, Awesome 80's Tom Hanks comedy with a better cast that helps this slightly weird comedy, Corey Feldman plays a dopey airhair whose job is to push the plot along in a Shakespeare way. Bruce Derns plays a crackpot vet who like so many people in my life Ive met seem to function only when given instructions... Brother Theodore was underused as one of the creepy neighbors. I know this seems a little pup for me, but trust me this may be a Joe Dante film and that may be hollywood but its more than worth your time.

Airport, The Burt Lancaster and Dean Martin disaster film with tons of stars in this rudimentary sluggish film drags along for way to long and thank Satan for Airplane for taking the piss out of this juggernaut of a film at the time. Me and my Girlfriend living alot longer for the duration of this amateur seeming after the dust has settled and what is left is a clunky mess of many people lives intersecting in truely meaningless manner. Dont bother with this film unless your a fan of characters talking in ovals to simulate a phone call.

Pump up the Volume, Another venture into the burbs due to me being in Millbrae for almost two weeks Dog sitting and the weird part is I still call it San Bruno to anyone I talk to...I regard suburbia as a centrally located hell for anyone who want to take challenge out of their life. Pump up the volume is a great sci-fi treat in with Christian Slater playing a guy who moved from New York to Arizona and what he faces is a boring everytown usa that is yearning for a 3rd rate Lenny Bruce who listens to the Rollins band and the Beastie Boys... all the flock was just waiting for someone to come along and Say "What the fuck are you people thinking? life sucks." This film is complete with the posh proper smart girl who is mad as hell and is not going to take it anymore. This movie proves there is no revolution with dancing... and if the kids r united, all that happy horse shit that I cant help not loving.

Happy Hell Night, Holy fuck! this is a turd but I must insist that you need this for your eyeballs! Now this films washes up on your shores and youre thinking Darren Mcgavin and Sam Rockwell now your talking... Two solid actors in a horror film and true its been a while for both of this dudes between Kolchak the night stalker and Clownhouse the nambla citizen kane, all I can saying is the dopest pop punk soundtrack to sweeten this unflushed toilet of a movie... The killer is this low rent Pinhead who just goes around killing college kids and issues decrees of No... fill in the blank of what not a horny teen should be doing. This is a bible of how not to make a good film.

Switchblade Sisters, Classic sleaze and you will love every minute of this out of control teen gang film with all the torn open chest exposing breast shot you could want. This movie is the first film of Rolling Thunder pictures I ever saw...Thank Quintin you thought me a lesson! this time with no swat teams...inside joke really if you think you don't know. Just see this fucking film!!!!

Beast with a Gun!!!! the best is for last. I really won't even bother going deep into why this is my favorite of the weekend aside it being a 70s Italian bloody action scummy jewel! Starts out with a heist and some hostages taken by Nanni Vitali played by Helmut Berger and this dude rules because I chose my German name to be Helmut because in high school German there is no Josh so I wanted to be funny before I was kicked out of German and Holocaust class... big ups to Dan Jacques for chucking shit at the front desk ladies back in the day! miss them days... So Helmut gets to play a sick fuck who just spends his time robbing, raping and killing people. I also feel I cant ever thinking of making a movie this good because I get labeled a woman hater, but sadly this is the kind of filth I love because this wraps back around to suburbia due the fact people are always content in their sleep starbucks job sleep way of life and they choose not to admit this life is filled with evil and have lodged heads up their asses to not see how life itself has failed them. I am stuck in a place that most likely helped GW Bush elected. I went to the Millbrae Pancake house and how the fuck can anyone feel out of place just by the act of wearing black tshirt in a food joint and in this pisshole that seemed to be filled with Jon cougar Melloncamp fans... Me and my Girlfriend felt all eyes were placed on us and its not my low self esteem, I got verified by her thinking we stepped in the twilight zone.

Point being live for something new not strip mall sushi. I hope your efforts are hard fought and you vanquish more enemies than just Ivan Drago just because you watched Rocky four on instant. I also found it funny I snapped two photos of a fancypants car with a netflix license holder, and not that I care about 5 bucks more a month but keep an eye on the clown doll in the corner... what may being smiling at you when youre awake just may be the thing that will kill you.

The Nesting (1981)

2011-07-22T12:43:00.000-07:00

The vary needy Lauren Cochran attempts to live on her own in house in the woods she is so needy that she winds up wakening the spirits of the prostitutes who rest in this ex - brothel and nobody is safe from these whore ghosts

(4/5)

Hardware (1990)

2011-07-06T18:45:00.000-07:00

Tonight I tryed to watch Rubber Turned it off 10 minuets in and luckily I found myself watching this post-apocalyptic gem its about a rich girls art coming alive and biting her in the ass with that story line and a cameo from Lemmy you cant go wrong

(4/5)

Hobo with a Shotgun (2011)

2011-06-26T06:43:00.000-07:00

If batman was not born into money and have those stupid morals this would be his story
(5/5)

Rubber...

2011-06-18T20:38:00.000-07:00

Now its been a while since Ive tried to communicate my thoughts on a film, mostly its just been things passing in front of my eyeballs like images that pass quicker than a fart with all the windows open. I having this child like whimsy that keeps me chugging for the knowledge that someday soon I will be watching a film and I will be living the moment of "holy shit, I just saw that!" Even though I enjoy going to a two floor video store and treasure hunt for a few videos for the night. I saw the preview for Rubber and I got the feeling that this is one of those horror films that will make me think the genre is not dead.

This film just walked up to me and pissed in my mouth and said Hi fuckface I am meta bullshit and I will proceed to break myself down better than diarrhea covered toilet paper being flushed. This assblast from the present is letting you know from the getgo there is not a point and Rubber guards itself by including characters that provide commentary as well as filler for weird scenes, like when a jock would talk about the Sex Pistols and you'd know that there was a message that was completed missed by a dumbshit who got distracted with colored hair and loud music.

In the color commentary given by the onlookers who play 3rd rate servo for this Napoleon Dynamite of the horror world, I saw the preview and I was taken in and yes I thought it may be as good as the first Feast, boy was I wrong and every fifteen minutes my girlfriend lets out a groany I thought I was going to like this. We both agree the no story story is amazingly lame and the leaps of logic just to keep this corn dootie just make you want to find kick anyone who happens to be a deconstructionist.

racing along on a hot day with swamp-ass is more tolerable than toughing this self reflecting hipster mushpile. Its like some guy in tight pants saw Funny Games for the first time and said I can make a Horror film but I'll do it better. Why the fuck do people think certain films have not plot when they only tell a FUCKIN STORY instead of selling you products out the ass and using a song that rather popular and shove a Robert Downey jr in a title role and slap the film on the ass and make it a summer blockbuster.

So I told a joke about the new Teen Wolf remake during an open mic night. I said that I have not seen the film nor do I plan to, but heres my review... its like a woman ate a salty steak with a side of asparagus and washed it down with a black coffee then pissed in my mouth. Are people that stupid that all you have to do is slap a name on a film and people will go see it? just make another of twilight with its moody sexuality and the kids will love it. The fact I could never see a new movie in my life as long as I had my video store, I'd be fine. Disconnected and loving it.

let me in 2010

2011-05-14T21:07:00.000-07:00

ok that kid totally looks like winona ryder

Torso (1973)

2011-05-14T20:47:00.000-07:00

A serial killer is loose in Perugia and he has good taste in accessory's I think the police are only after him for wardrobe advice

(4/5)

A Momentous Event

2011-05-04T17:05:00.000-07:00

1983 changed everything.

The Being, a guano-addicted troglodyte, slithered from one of Jackie Kong's various generative orifices to declare a homosexual dictatorship over some bucolic swampwater shit-hole called Pottsville, Idaho. This seventy-foot tall malevolent uterus then proceeded to ejaculate neurotoxins into the local aquifer, causing several of the town's nearly one dozen incestuous philistines to develop rheumatoid arthritis.

Mortimer Lutz, a shaman who slathers his followers' genitals with warm mashed potatoes during public fornication rituals, casts superstitious aspersions upon the barnacled collapsed vaginal ceiling that has begun terrorizing the half dozen mindless cattle molesters who have not yet emigrated to a polity habituated to the use of toothpaste.

Resembling a sat-on roast beef sandwich, The Being is played by a Ziploc bag with a cheeseburger in it. The encased sandwich is then rolled down various declines, creating a sense of dynamic motion. At the end, Kong places the ghastly item onto a skateboard and rolls it into the Atlantic Ocean.

Ben Ford, a sentient erection who has not yet emigrated to a polity habituated to the use of toothpaste, also hosts his own blog, TorturedEnglish.blogspot.com.

Jackie Kong's Giant Penis

2011-05-04T17:01:00.000-07:00

There's nothing more upsetting then when ordinary feline nut-balls swell into a bloodthirsty seventy-foot tall sentient erection. But exactly this is what transpires in Jackie Kong's The Giant Thinking Penis.

Having endured a harrowing ordeal which sees him reduced to a puddle of regurgitated cat food in Kong's previous installment in the Being franchise, The Incredible True Story of Michael Smith's Gelatinous Human Nut-Balls, The Being returns to confront once and for all his arch-nemesis Mortimer Lutz, played by Harold Wilderbum, animal porn-star. Wilderbum delivers a whirlwind performance which showcases his versatility as an actor in addition to his physical durability in scenes that call for all-out dinosaur-style monster fucking.

When one horrifyingly serene evening the soup that is now Michael Smith is fortuitously struck thirty consecutive times by lightning, the moment Dr. Finger has been waiting for has arrived. Slurping up the radioactive slop with a purple twirly straw and swishing it around in his herpetically-blistered mouth with the precise proportions of giblets, goose semen, and Pabst Blue Ribbon, he then swallows the odious concoction. Mortimer wipes clean a foggy window with his flannelled forearm and peers into the abandoned warehouse on Main Street just in time to witness The Being's emergence from Dr. Fingers mouth in conjunction with a caustic burp with causes Dr. Finger to erupt into flames.

America's favorite notorious retard is back in A Premonition of Debauchery.

Ben Ford engages in all out dinosaur style monster fucking on his own blog, TorturedEnglish.blogspot.com.

The Timeless Being

2011-05-04T16:56:00.000-07:00

Does God exist? Can mankind devise an equitable and viable future society? What about gender on gender conflict?

We live in trying times. Yet one truth has remained unchallenged since time immemorial.

The Being.

A hot-air balloon filled with macaroni and endowed with a sixty-foot long mechanical impregnator-canon, The Being mutilates and decapitates. The Being drops translucent semen blobs the size of rhinoceroses on metropolitan areas, causing his victims to raise his instantly-maturing spawn even as they are awash in rivulets of globular cock-mayo.

Some sort of duck shows up.

The movie quickly devolves into a forty-five minute disco music video in which The Being shoots lasers out his rectum. But what the fuck else is new?

Thank for fucking my life, Jackie Kong.

Ben Ford, a translucent semen blob, also hosts his own blog, TorturedEnglish.blogspot.com.

The Being Revealed

2011-05-04T16:51:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe The Being first appeared nearly three decades ago. It still remains enigmatic.

The Being, a fetid mud accreted between the wrinkled, greasy labia of Michael's mother's ruffled and decomposing pussy, like a slimy, pea-colored mayonnaise slathered onto a rumpled and weathered ham sandwich half-crammed into an agape and threadbare mauve sock, "mutilates and decapitates".

The Being batters hapless victims with his enormous and crooked poisonous erection, at the end of which is a flaking, mildewed toenail. The bludgeoned are then subsumed into his man-eating scrotal sac. This menacing fanged nut-purse then balloons with digestive fluids, and victim's remains are excreted in The Being's swampy, bone-filled urine. In one upsetting scene, an entire intact rhinoceros cranial structure emerges from his warped, over-elongated frankfurter, which then explodes, disrupting the chronology of the narrative.

Now in diachronic disarray, The Being leaps senselessly from scene to scene, forcing the viewer to stitch the non-contiguous fable back together. It turns out The Being has fashioned an even deadlier reproductive member utilizing elements of his victim's pets. But this gnarled and knuckled ad hoc monster-sausage turns on The Being himself.

Constant, non-stop lightning subtly establishes the momentousness of the final scene, which takes place on a bright sunny Easter Sunday night. Beneath a thunderous clear blue sky The Being's murderous Frankenwang confronts a loyal testes-bag.

Preposterously disgusting, provocatively absurd--Jackie Kong, you've done it again, you bloodthirsty anus.

Ben Ford is ad hoc monster sausage who also hosts his own blog, TorturedEnglish.blogspot.com. Hi, Pat!

Understanding The Being

2011-05-04T16:46:00.000-07:00

Jackie Kong's 1983 film The Being is a perturbed imploration to quit butt-fucking the shit out of Mother Earth.

The Being, augury of mankind's final state of decadent putrescence, is transformed into a sea cucumber nourished on its own rectal gravy. For Kong, mankind is nothing more than a gangrenous necro-wang ejecting lethal yogurt into the pimpled posterior of a prostrate and pusillanimous Pan.

All of history is but a pageant of pungent poop. Michael not only seeks solace in the bowels of the earth within the confines of a "dump": his mother in fact produced him in a bowel movement. Michael Smith is the excrement of the human race, birthed in a toilet, nursed on diarrhea.

Michael's mother--Linda or something--symbolizes contemporary womanhood. Outwardly a typical soccer mom who walks around radioactive dumps wearing a full-body condom for some reason, she is in reality a dissolute cock-pocket smeared with ruby lipstick and distended with musk-scented douche.

Rife with symbolism, Jackie Kong's quixotic entreaty to cease sucking the toxic dick of nuclear power amuses, entertains, and stimulates--but it fails to persuade. Therefore, one must conclude that dumping nuclear waste into the aquifer does not--and will not--affect the water.

A combustible atomic porcupine.

Juggling work, school, and a demanding masturbation regimen, Ben Ford also hosts his own blog, TorturedEnglish.blogspot.com.

Thinner (1996)

2011-05-04T14:19:00.000-07:00

Billy Halleck should bottel this gypsy curse and sell it on the streets.... what im trying to say is your fat!

(5/5)

Ruby (1977)

2011-04-26T17:26:00.000-07:00

Carries mom is sleeping with a group of fake mobsters then she walks into a lake .... theirs a drive in theater in there somewhere

(2/5)

Cronos (1993)

2011-03-22T15:38:00.000-07:00

This might just be the single greatest thing to be made in the 90's ....

Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2008)

2011-03-14T14:24:00.000-07:00

Birdemic is a part of a new breed of movies that hurt to watch its the room with exploding birds

(0/5)

The Incredible Melting Man (1977)

2011-02-20T23:32:00.000-08:00

Astronaut Steve West loses his mustache in a freak space accident then takes his revenge on the human race one person at a time ... beware Steve the more he melts the stronger he gets

Raw Meat (1972)

2011-01-28T06:46:00.000-08:00

The story of how the asshole detective met the sewer cannibal

(3/5)

Nightmare Concert (A Cat in the Brain) (1990)

2011-01-23T19:52:00.000-08:00

This film felt like I got trapped in Lucio Fulci's wet dream that crazy horror gnome

(4/5)

Puppet Master: The Legacy (2003)

2011-01-10T20:26:00.000-08:00

If you cut the Scenes from the other puppet master films out this is 5 minutes long and the puppets move 4 times thanks Charley Band

(1/5)

tron legacy

2011-01-08T12:47:00.000-08:00

their is mostly shitty horror movies reviewed on this site but im gonna review this cause i think pat said i could.

i wish i had a sailboat cause this movie bloooooooooooooooows. i dont know what to even say about this shitty reboot of the tron films it just sucks so bad and i was rolling on a gram of MDMA and this movie was not enjoyable at all and it was in 3D wtf bro. well anyways dont see this movie cause it sucks ya know.

(0.01/5) yea thats how shitty it was

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

2010-12-25T19:01:00.001-08:00

The greatest Christmas film ever made!

(5/5)

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)

2010-12-25T18:59:00.000-08:00

Ricky is all grown up and he has become a complete hard-on with a vivid memory of things he was never there for

(2/5)

Cellar Dweller (1988)

2010-12-25T18:55:00.000-08:00

Ludo from labyrinth is killing then eating art students

(2/5)

Die, Monster, Die! (1965)

2010-12-21T14:52:00.000-08:00

These rocks are fucking radioactive I think I'll pick it up and start playing with it maybe sleep in the same house as it

What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962)

2010-12-09T13:20:00.000-08:00

I am going to have so many nightmares of baby jane hudson for the rest of my life

(5/5)

Theater of Blood (1973)

2010-12-09T13:10:00.000-08:00

The worlds greatest actor playing the worlds greatest actor how can you beat that ... maybe with a poodle pie

(5/5)

2010-12-05T19:26:00.000-08:00

some guy and some broad make some experiment and cant decide what to do with it. long story short the thing grows into some human thing the guy fucks it and then all hell breaks loose.

(4/5)

House of the Damned (1963)

2010-12-05T19:16:00.000-08:00

so apparently the meaning of the word damned has changed a shit ton in the last 50 years i would have named this movie the house of the slightly startled or bootleg scooby doo

(3/5)

Pontypool (2008)

2010-12-03T22:48:00.000-08:00

Yet another stupid scheme to cure the living dead when will man learn

(3/5)

Rats - Notte di terrore (1984) Poster

2010-12-03T11:41:00.000-08:00

the only thing this movie accomplished is making me want to go out and buy some pet rats there just so cute ... file this movie under Italian guys throwing rats at each other and awesome voice overs

Near Dark (1987)

2010-11-24T21:17:00.000-08:00

Did it bother anyone other than me that Jesse has been alive for 200 years and he is still a completely sketchy bum ?? maby it hurts vampires to use a shower i don't know

(5/5)

The Video Dead 1987

2010-11-24T20:24:00.000-08:00

Things I've learned watching the video dead

Never just trust the guy making up ways to kill the zombies
do not ship your demon t.v. with some 3rd rate courier service
a chainsaw is useless if your dangling off a tree from some rope
some zombies just kill for fun
its bad to sleep with your housekeeper but its o.k. to sleep with boys who will desecrate the corpse of a dog
zombies are inpatient dinner guests

(4/5)

Drive Thru (2007)

2010-11-19T08:38:00.000-08:00

So someone who clearly Loves a certain group of raping clowns went out and made a movie is I were to guess how the idea for this movie stated It would go like this

"lets make a Freddy movie but in place of Freddy i want a bad ass clown with flames on his shirt and a hatchet the kids there going to be the friends I've always wanted and everyone smokes weed"

and the best news of all is that there are so many rapping clown fans in the world that theirs going to be a sequel Drive Thru 2: The Nightmare Is Just Beginning aka juggalo resurrection

(2/5)

Survival of the Dead (2009) AKA: Beating of the Dead Horse

2010-11-03T19:49:00.000-07:00

after seeing land of the dead and diary of the dead for some strange reason I still had hope for survival of the dead I truly thought this would be the redemption of the dead but sadly no it was the worst one yet it felt like i was watching a rob schneider film with the bad accents for no reason, zombie shootouts and the last girl on earth is a obnoxious lesbian ... also seriously fucking twins fuck you

The Ocean Black

2010-11-01T06:39:00.000-07:00

http://www.theoceanblack.com/ **6 Minute Preview**

I know there are a lot of assholes making a lot of bad zombie movies these days, but this one looks to have some promise. Marcos Garcia special effects artist behind Resident Evil: Extinction and Apocalypto moves to the directors seat for this one. The Ocean Black is about Amber, Don and their son Aaron (though if you watch the clip, Aaron goes out like a bitch super early) your typical american family surviving in a zombie apocalypse. They barricade themselves in their appartment until...... thats right you guessed it they run out of supplies. I don't know what it is about this one but I have a good feeling about it. I mean come on the kid gets fucking smoke checked by zombie withing the first 6 minutes of the film, how could this not be awesome.

~ Zombie Ate My Breakfast

Murders in the Rue Morgue (1971)

2010-10-25T08:54:00.000-07:00

50% silly David Lynch dream sequences
25% plays trying to find a way to work a man in a ape suit in
25% phantom of the Oprah

So, apparently movies are retarded now

2010-10-22T05:13:00.000-07:00

So, apparently movies are retarded now and so are people who think they have purchased haunted boxes on ebay. Welcome to the age of people who can't come up with an original movie idea.

Dibbuk Box
Release Date:   No Release Date Available
Director:           Ole Bornedal
Writer:              Juliet Snowden & Stiles White
Starring:            N/A
Studio:              Lionsgate

Story based on a haunted box purchased on Ebay that brings bad fortune to its possessors. Eventually being passed from one person to the next and causing all sorts of torment.

The film is in the vein of The Exorcist or The Shining, based on real events that transpired after a family wound up in possession of a haunted box, setting off a harrowing struggle to rid themselves of the box's evil curse.

This shows exactly how I feel the writing process goes these days.

~ Zombies Ate My Breakfast

Paranormal Activity

2010-10-21T23:54:00.000-07:00

So, I'm sitting here being a fucking slave to the man and yes it's 2:56am in the morning, and no I'm not picking cotton in the fields. I worked 7am-3pm today and now I'm back working "forced overtime" from 11pm tonight until 3pm tomorrow. So I figured...... fuck it I will do what I have been dreading and putting off for months, I will finally watch Paranormal activity. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a horror movie elitist and I cringe while watching slop for the masses like this. But fuck me sideways, I really enjoyed this movie. The acting was fucking garbage, the effects were fucking garbage, shit me and Unholy Moly could make a better looking movie in the alley behind his apartment, but the atmosphere of this movie is genuinely scary. I know I can't believe I'm saying it either. The only thing that kinda ruined this movie for me was the guy who played Micah (Micah Sloat) this fucking ass hat couldn't act his way out of a paper bag. Aside from Micah being a douche, you get an uneasy feeling through the whole film and I have to say it's a nice change of pace. I'm not saying it's a great movie by any means, but when you go into a movie expecting to see crap and it catches you off guard when it's not, that is fucking awesome. The whole movie is filmed from Micah's camera as him and his live in girlfriend experience supernatural events. I'm not a big fan of the shaky camera genre, so its refreshing that most of the time the camera is on a tripod. I also need to give props to the writer/director Oren Peli. He made this movie for around $15,000 and it raked in $7 million in its first weekend. This film is all about what you don't see, and if you've ever been really scared by something that went bump in the night then you should check this bitch out. If your a gore whore like myself you might be really bored by this film and may want to pass. I don't know how I feel about the next film being a prequel, so you will probably have to wait for it to come out on Netflix streaming before I write anything about it.

~ Zombies Ate My Breakfast

As a treat here is a retard review from Netflix user ioe 210594 from Los Angeles, CA

My major problem with this movie is simply that they left the door open throughout all of it.That and their extremely slow reaction to do practically anything to prevent it. Otherwise good build up and great climax.

He apparently has found the solution to Micah and Katie's demon problem ............ shut the door! Shit that is fucking brilliant, #1 the demon didn't open and close doors like 20 times during the movie, #2 I'm pretty sure a demon that can drag a bitch out of her bed and across the floor, can't open a fucking door. But, I mean I'm just saying.

TerrorVision (1986)

2010-10-15T18:54:00.000-07:00

It is a fucking crime that they let this movie is out of print and there making saw 18 saw in space

(5/5)

Teeth (2007) aka everyone wants to rape dawn

2010-10-06T09:38:00.000-07:00

Its a Severed Penis Party!

Neon Maniacs (1986)

2010-10-05T17:29:00.000-07:00

Help me understand how this happened there monsters that live in a bridge who melt when they come in contact with water these guys need to move and buy rain boots

Sometimes They Come Back (1991)

2010-10-02T09:51:00.000-07:00

i cant get past the fact that they came back from the dead and re enrolled into high school is it me or is that a weird thing for a ghost/zombie to do ?

(3/5)

Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983)

2010-09-26T20:17:00.000-07:00

Watch this if you want to see John Landis and some other jerks take a shit on the twilight zone
(1/5)

Premature Burial (1962)

2010-09-16T15:58:00.000-07:00

Guy lives in fear of being buried alive so guess what happens to him
(5/5)

The Landlord (2009)

2010-09-16T15:51:00.000-07:00

Watch Rabisu leave green makeup allover everything and also store bought vampire teeth like crazy

(4/5)

Slugs: The Movie (1988)

2010-09-09T16:27:00.000-07:00

This move has the greatest fight between a man and a gardening glove you will ever see

(2/5)

The Masque of the Red Death (1964)

2010-09-06T22:00:00.000-07:00

Prince Prospero throws the greatest party of all time till death crashes it

(5/5)

...

2010-09-05T20:03:00.000-07:00

Sick of the fact that we never update so are we send us recommendations, comments, free shit, hate mail, love letters, head shots, condolences on our bead blog, or become a member of our ghastly group of outcasts

just send a e-mail with the subject S.O.ARMY to satansorphans@gmail.com

Blood: The Last Vampire (2009)

2010-08-04T18:16:00.000-07:00

If you take the blade movies and you replace westly snipes with a asian girl who needs a shower replace the action with shaky cameras and lost any attempts at comic relief you get blood the last vampire

1/5

then new guy

2010-07-30T13:43:00.000-07:00

its good to be apart of the team hello and hail

Thank you Facebook

2010-07-29T09:00:00.000-07:00

For reminding me how much we suck

Love Object (2003)

2010-07-29T07:35:00.000-07:00

Kennith can't decide if he likes plastic or Flesh maybe plastination is the answer to his problems.

(2/5)

Stan Helsing (2009)

2010-07-07T13:42:00.000-07:00

yet another move made for people in a coma ... if you are conscious and you enjoyed this horror parody please go see a doctor and have them medically induce you into the state you belong

(1/5)

The Stepfather (2009)

2010-06-29T19:53:00.000-07:00

watch out he might just want to start a happy family with you next

(2/5)

Satans Orphans hall of fame induction

2010-06-05T07:20:00.000-07:00

Bill makes grate use of his free time finding a new use for great big fat girls and raising moths

R.I.P. RONNIE

2010-05-16T20:57:00.000-07:00

He is the reason that you know to throw up your horns. He is the rainbow in the dark. And we will miss him.

nightmare on elm street 2010

2010-05-02T19:18:00.000-07:00

How to you get away with remaking the son of 1000 maniacs child murderer master of dreams into a slow gardener who scratched a kid

our good friend Defender over at Robot Bites Man also went to see it this is what he had to say

I Sell the Dead (2008)

2010-04-30T07:49:00.000-07:00

These guys have taken second place in my favorite grave robbers list will anyone ever take the title from Ed & Joey (return of the living dead 2)

(5/5)

Where the Wild Things Are (2009)

2010-04-27T16:17:00.000-07:00

Where the emotionally unbalanced things are

activity time

2010-04-22T21:00:00.000-07:00

coloring is fun

Children of the Damned (1964)

2010-04-18T13:31:00.000-07:00

Telepathic children runaway from home so the army blows them up

(1/5)

R.I.P. PETER STEELE

2010-04-16T10:44:00.000-07:00

No one has ever written songs about suicide, hate, death and how life is a cruel joke that's life as well as you did

"Life's a game I cannot win

Both good and bad must surely end

The mirrors always tell the truth

I love myself for hating you"

Laid to rest

2010-04-13T11:07:00.000-07:00

Fuck, I've been pissing on my eyeballs lately via watching horror movies made in the current years. I thought hey, Laid to rest may be a winner, it does have a dude in a mask and is this enough to carry a film? Nope.

Laid to rest is just a sad attempt to revive the Slasher genre but it gets a giant fail, this movie is an exercise in wanting to throw a boot at your tv. so the crux of the plot is a killer in a shiny mask OOOOOOH??? ok so the killer looks like a goth nerd who wants to blow Anton Lavey, who is into hi-tech gadgets. I don't really care that the fact he has no backstory, but I feel the shit peddlers involved may try to pull a fast one and make a prequel to Laid to rest. What you get in 90 minutes is seeing a piss poor cast and the feeling that the people of the town are in on the killings, but for some reason are fighting Chromeface? the movie drops ideas of this fact for most of the movie and where does it take you? pissed off and angry that the main girl with a head injury who can't remember who she is and when you find out about her past, too late I wanted her dead.

watch see if you come to the same conclusion as us. We here agree its ballbag, and if you need more proof imdb Robert Hall, if this dude is not the fruit of the year, I will just watch Lancelot Link secret chimp and nothing else.

HEY APPLE

2010-04-09T21:35:00.000-07:00

WE ARE I-PAD FRIENDLY SEND US 13 OF THEM

House of Usher (1960)

2010-04-08T19:05:00.000-07:00

79 minuts of Vincent Price telling Mark Damon to go home and i loved every second of it

(5/5)

"I suggest you leave, Mr. Winthrop. No? Then perish with us."

The Stuff (1985)

2010-04-05T09:10:00.000-07:00

This movie is all based around a man finds a puddle of white goo on the ground and he makes a choice to reach down onto the ground and taste this stuff what the fuck is wrong with this guy white goo on the ground 99.9% of the time that's bird shit or seamen there are many more holes in this story but putting a mystery white goo in your mouth that's crazy you deserve to be hollowed out and used as a puppet

(3/5)

Hack! and the name says it all.

2010-04-04T11:59:00.000-07:00

It's truly hard to be a horror fan sometimes, I suffered though Hack! this morning just to watch something that is current or at the least something that does not have to do with New York in the 1970's. I don't think that I except a certain timeframe as gospel in film, but too many times I have be let down when the torch of Horror has been passed to younger generation. I contend for every Fulci and Bava there will be a person who will be more than able to make a film to insure that genre fans will still support Horror, Hack! on the otherhand is exercise in redundancy, fan boy vomit that clogs the screen with references it fails to move the plot along except stereotypes and themes that you have seen elsewhere and this completely nullifies any attempt for Hack! to have any legs to stand on.

First off this films starts with a gaggle of diverse stereotypes who have been lumped together for the mere fact of being picked off one by by. Close your eyes and make your list of people to die and I am sure it will perfectly match the cast of Hack! the Jock, Gay guy, Virgin, slut and the Prude girl please don't forget the token black dude still makes the rounds even if you thought it stooped to new lows with the remake of Friday the 13th, the black guy has a lame death just like every person who adds to the death count, dying at the hands of a clown with a mallet??? fuck I every got of my ass to make a film, it would not be chock filled with 90 minutes of quotes and kills you seen elsewhere and yes some would consider this a "love letter" to horror, you just can't call a teacher Argento in your film and think this is your pass into the hearts of fan of horror.

All the familiar faces in this film, including Burt Young aka Paulie from the Rocky series and yes its been a long time from his classic birthday party from Rocky 4 in which Paulie gets a robot that sings his happy birthday. The Lady who spent her time playing a vampire on Buffy the series does not fair much better, seeing her play a horror fan killing in real life in order to make a horror film is about as real when I was younger hearing people talking about "punk rock" and I was subjected to these morons bastards blather on about the Sex Pistols, like the time a fruitcake with a mohawk talked about being the Captain of a wrestling team in high school while living in LA.

While it is true I don't doubt the fact that Matt Flynn is a lover of horror, but to have a rapid fire exercise in trying to prove you know your horror history, while your at it save your breath that Led Zeppelin is the best metal band ever. I promise to fight anyone on this fact because in my round about way I was pissed that Hack! included Hannibal Lecter as the best killer was ever on the list of favorite killers, this is just other one of the offenses that I called foul on this entire movie.

Any jerk within five minutes can play a power chord but that does not earn you a spot in the rock and roll hall of fame, same goes for the quote spouters who get a camera and skates by without adding anything new to a film. What I saying is Ever find yourself watching a Tarentino film and enjoying it and then there is a fail of a scene, like a third of Inglorious Basterds is just cringe worthy for the fact you know what is being attempted but just can't translate to an awesome scene. Pink flamingos is another case of Film at its finest of Filth and just how far a film can challenge a viewer and not come across a lame attempt in shock value. Pink Flamingos is is perfect in showing Divine being the filthiest person in America and proving to Connie and Ray Marble that even if their love goes deeper than hair color and Filthiness, you just can't Fuck with Divine! and no offense to John waters, the man is legend in forging his own path in Cinema history, but to hand the torch to John Travolta to fill Divine's Big High Heels is just a watered down joke and it's ok to make movie for profit but for John Waters to go from High art dragged though sleaze only to go to goofy throwbacks with far less raunchy acts.

Do me a favor and pester people you know to avoid remakes and just shit in general, and if you are apart for pop culture just because you don't watch the latest Pixar shit with it's two creatures that go on a quest and learn a lesson in friendship along the way only to segue way into a uplifting song, I know someone reads this besides Unholy Moly and I. I also have say it's been a while seen Ive done this but there is a point to it all.

Who judges art?

2010-04-03T16:41:00.000-07:00

I will start this off by telling you that This film is not rated is a documentary that everyone should watch and get enraged by the simple fact MPAA is a system put in place to "help" people mainly parents to find out what they should watch with their children. I guess this would be a good thing for parents who can't decide to show their child Midnight cowboy or Bambi... First off if you can't assess this for yourself, maybe your the sort to Listen to Glenn Beck and I would most likely give you an feces covered aids dildo and tell you it's a lollipop. What the fuck are trailers for films are for??? Now if you can't put together a idea if it is a good film to watch off a sixty second trailer,images that will connect with an audience in a condensed version of a film. Now being a person who worked in market research, I can attest to the fact that most people cannot watch a movie trailer and pick out four things, it does not matter if they like those four things or not, sad fucking truth is that now more than ever Hollywood will not or cannot take a gamble on making a product aka film that will challenge an audience, why the fuck do you think that cookie cutter movie like superhero movie are still being made and before long there will be yet another generic film made to "poke" fun at films, now its not that I am a film nerd and saying this is not funny, its because the fact that the lemmings that fill the seats of those products don't mind seeing scenes that reference other films, so people can just sit in a theater and feel good about spending money on that is a giant current reference to what is popular.

Turning a fast bend, My point is film is art. Why can't understand the fact they are getting a glimpse of what the film is trying to say but it is up to the viewer to absorb the acting,camera angles and sounds to allow their own brain to decide how if someone would sit though a film. I forget that their a big mass of people in the world that in whisper in the ear to have an opinion, yes it is the god squad, MPAA also during the appeals process two priests to oversee what a film is all about and to help decide what can or can't be seen by the viewing public....Fuck that, I am vilid that anyone can just say " I don't think anyone should see nudity on screen" How the fuck can that be allowed? Now my mind is spinning just perplexed most people don't mind being spoon fed remake after remake! Fuck they even remade Clash of the Titans, now I listen to rap and I have of problem that I enjoy only what to can be labeled as adult contemporary hip hop aka 80's rap because there was once a time that mc's were proud to sound different than like everyone else but now there is just even day that even Ghostface has Lloyd on his Ghostdini album. I think viewers really need to turn their back on movies and seek out films that challenge their minds or at least not be the same film that you already saw last year, I saw that Sherlock Holmes movie because I wanted to see a film in a theater with my gf and a friend, and yes it was a mashing of themes and ideas that I have already seen in other movies. We been subjected to shit posing as entertainment for too long, has anyone seen League of gentleman? amazing fucking show and has gear shifts in the plot you would not believe how this series can morph into a completely new show before your eyes. Not sure if I barked about this show from the BBC but get into it.

Like most mornings I stand before the toilet enjoying the giggle I get from looking at poop and sometimes sending camera photos of the daily shit of mine, in truth just dootie. I sometimes feel I have a valid opinion on film but then again I just think the world is too stupid understand film can be like a traveling roadshow of art at its high points, but it has devolved into a three column of film plots, in which only films that will make money has the access to the largest viewing public, nothing to racy for the people, just safe entertainment for the masses. I hope I made my point.

Satans Orphans hall of fame induction

2010-04-02T07:24:00.000-07:00

Krug is making our H.O.F. not for his gargoyle looks, not for his perfect timing with a machete or even his skills at fending off a chainsaw but his musical talents David Hess made the unforgettable soundtrack to last house on the left

"Fear Itself" (2008)

2010-04-01T15:48:00.000-07:00

This is the shallow end of horror (if you consider crummy twist endings horror)

The blood of these whores is killing me.

2010-03-20T17:05:00.000-07:00

Blood for Dracula is a film that I was told to watch on the grounds that I would enjoy it and turns out this film is a two ton gigglefest. True art takes proper form by including a vegetarian vampire, a hero with needle marks on his arms who could not shake his New York accent and overusing the word Whore, I mean who does love whores and that word?

I am not sure how much Andy Worhol had to do in making this film, I have a sneaking suspicion that it was collecting junkies from the village and say "hey lets get naked and make a horror film" Shit the first time the Handy man takes off his shirt, you can needle marks in his arm. The use of skanky broads who are just unappealing, but hey junkies have to have their Michael Jordan too. Back to the plot, Dracula is told by personal Jerome that Dracula has to go to Italy in order to find virgin blood to support his "habit" and Udo Kier plays it better than Bugs Bunny pretending to get shot, in his painful drought of virgin blood. What you may pick up on is the fact Dracula is kinda a whiney bitch who is a pain in the ass for the hosting family.

And how does this happen you ask, Dracula and friend of course go to the tavern in the Italian village, because a bar is the first place I'd look for a virgin. Jerome is trying to look ill pimp by flashing money by offering to buy wine for people and tries to pick up a fourteen year old girl before having Jerome playing a game with Roman Polanski in a fake mustache and ends ups being chumped out in the game of you can't do, what I can do. This is when he is told of a family with four virgin girls! and in lucky turn for Dracula the child he tried to pick up in front of an old lady gets hit by a car and in a moment of quick thinking his Jerome grabs some bread to soak the blood for his Dracula.

On to the Family with the pack of virgins, who are real broke and just looking to sell of one of their own to support their lavish ways. The father is the kind of person who attempts to talk down to people by making not much sense to make his point. Everything plays out like a formerly rich who are just looking for what can keep them alive... just like Dracula! damn! There are the skanky broads who just want to get naked and screw the Handy man who is kinda in the rape and hitting women, and this is the hero???? The handy man is not buying Dracula's gimmick and tries to teach the broads he has sex with that after the revolution comes that the rich will die and a bunch of commie hooey, he even has painted a hammer and sickle in his bedroom if you could get where he come from.

Dracula is just whining about anything so he starts biting women who claim to be virgins and just ends up getting sick and convulsing on the ground. Yes, The blood of these whores is killing me is a line from the film. Dracula is just in a wheelchair just whines about whores and once the handy man finds out what Dracula is up to, he is willing to force himself on a girl to save her life.

The final act is pretty fucking amazing and the handy man grabs an ax to hand dracula's ass back to him. I think he just got sick of some rich guy in a wheelchair just complaining, we've all been there. Overall this film has naked broads and some great bloodshed wrapped in a soap opera sheath.

Puppetmaster (1989)

2010-03-16T17:18:00.000-07:00

Puppet master = horny psychics

(5/5)

The Howling (1981)

2010-03-15T09:59:00.000-07:00

A movie about a large group of wherewolfs who moved to a remote location and and undergo daily group therapy sessions to try and beat there lycanthropy.

(4/5)

Retarded Review(ers) #7 Deranged / Motel Hell

2010-03-13T17:18:00.000-08:00

wow how could you not think to flip the disc

An American Werewolf in Paris (1997)

2010-03-10T18:02:00.000-08:00

there is nothing good to say about this movie and far to many things that really pissed me off the 90's were the worst decade for horror there was a clear point early on in the movie where where I knew there was no redeeming value that is the second that smash mouth started to play fucking smash mouth what the fuck!

ps.. has Vince Vieluf been in a movie without smash mouth in the sound track is theres some sort of conspiracy

Warlock (1989)

2010-03-10T17:51:00.000-08:00

Ive spent the majority of my life living in Salem MA so any movies that have a true witch, a worker bee for satan witch not the hippies with a sence of fashion that's call them selves witchs that sell rocks, incents and end everything in blessed be a bunch for people got murdered and 200 years later your making blood money off it witch

so this movie is about a ghost with a dirty mullet and diabetic 80's bimbo trying to stop a uptight warlock from undoing creation but in-order for him to end the world he must find Satan's note book witch has been hidden in random furniture across the united state by the church (way to go church)

this movie is laid out like a road trip comedy you get a wacky character on every spot the gay guy, the Amish guy, the priest who is having a baby???, and the kid who's dad hates god all of which are awkwardly skimmed past to get the story over faster

Jan Michael Vincent takes Manhattan

2010-03-07T19:41:00.000-08:00

Defiance. One more fine example of New York cinema from 1980, that stars Jan Michael Vincent as a merchant marine dropped off in New York and ends up in the slums and against his better judgment, stand up to the local gang known as the Souls that are lead by a guy who looks like he cam in fourth place in the Father Guido Sarducci lookalike contest.

J.M.V plays Tommy, a merchant marine kicked off his boat for reasons unknown and has little money so he is told by a friend he can live in a gang terrorized block of NY for cheap and Tommy has no choice but to live in a crappy apartment next to Danny Aiello, who is a member of the Sportsmen, a bunch of washed up dudes who have from a guys club in order to drink beers and have jackets with their “club” name on the back.

Tommy has his first introduction to the sportsmen by way of getting a stolen fish thrown into his lap, later that night Tommy is learning to speak Spanish only to be disrupted by the Sportsmen having a party complete with loud music, Tommy asks them to turn down their music but they choose to turn up the volume and Tommy uses his noodle by slamming a basketball towards their wall until they realized it was to loud.

As Defiance progresses Tommy befriends a Latino child, a Jewish lady who is rather annoying, but since he has been around dudes for too long, he boinks her anyways, and a ex-boxer named whacko. All of these people color up is lively neighborhood that is controlled by the Souls that have got the locals too scared to tell the police on the Souls.

Tommy is just fine with doing gay ass portraits of boats and banging an annoying lady who dreams of one day leaving the dump she dwells in. The action heats up when the Shopkeeper go to the police after a shakedown at a Bingo night… Tommy goes apeshit on some gang members for beating up the Latino child and trashing the broad’s plants. Tommy is now the hero like it or not, the people feel like the Souls are losing power but Tommy just wants the get the fuck out NY and back to a boat with mad dudes on it, after getting jumped by the Souls and finding Whacko dead in a pile of trash.

Defiance is perfect viewing material for fans of Deathwish or the warriors, one man army is a great genre of film and as you know that if one man stands up against the bad guys aka Father Guido Douchey, it usually leads to the uplifting climax with the neighborhood standing up to the villains. Defiance has one of the most amazing soundtracks, I ever heard and it may beat of kickboxer as one of my favorite soundtracks, Stan Bush would be proud. Don't be a peckerhead, just watch it.

GOOGLE IS THE BEST!

2010-03-05T21:07:00.000-08:00

this just saved my night

Re-Re-Review(ers) #6 VENOM - AT WAR WITH SATAN

2010-03-04T20:10:00.000-08:00

how do you think she came across this song anyway???

she gets upset at the song and takes a break..

Thanks must go out to BANG YOUR HEAD, OR I'LL RIP IT OFF - ELECTRIC FANZINE for finding this. I am going to try and request some songs for RaveyBoo1 to share her option on

"okey dokey now i'm back down from being shocked"

Satan's Orphans

Night of the Demons (2010)

RUN FOR LIVES AKA ZOMBIE AREN'T EATING MY FUCKING BRAINS

Basket Case 2 (1990) aka the foam rubber porn that should not exist

Don Coscarelli’s JOHN DIES AT THE END

Donner Party

Quicksilver Highway (1997)

Midnight Movie AKA How to analy fist the slasher genre

Sledgehammer (1983)

Chillerama (2011)

Tourist Trap (1979)

The Brood 1979

T is for Turbo

The Creature Walks Among Us (1956)

StageFright: Aquarius (1987)

Nightmare City (1980)

Necronomicon 1993

im in there somewhere

Insidious 2010

Mark of the Devil (1970)

Devil (2010)

My Weekend in the burbs... I wanna take strangers out with direct headshots

The Nesting (1981)

Hardware (1990)

Hobo with a Shotgun (2011)

Rubber...

let me in 2010

Torso (1973)

A Momentous Event

Jackie Kong's Giant Penis

The Timeless Being

The Being Revealed

Understanding The Being

Thinner (1996)

Billy Halleck should bottel this gypsy curse and sell it on the streets.... what im trying to say is your fat!

(5/5)

Ruby (1977)

Cronos (1993)

Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2008)

The Incredible Melting Man (1977)

Raw Meat (1972)

Nightmare Concert (A Cat in the Brain) (1990)

Puppet Master: The Legacy (2003)

tron legacy

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)

Cellar Dweller (1988)

Die, Monster, Die! (1965)

What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962)

Theater of Blood (1973)

House of the Damned (1963)

Pontypool (2008)

Rats - Notte di terrore (1984) Poster

Near Dark (1987)

The Video Dead 1987

Drive Thru (2007)

Survival of the Dead (2009) AKA: Beating of the Dead Horse

The Ocean Black

Murders in the Rue Morgue (1971)

Murders in the Rue Morgue was

50% silly David Lynch dream sequences

25% plays trying to find a way to work a man in a ape suit in

25% phantom of the Oprah

So, apparently movies are retarded now

Paranormal Activity

TerrorVision (1986)

Teeth (2007) aka everyone wants to rape dawn

Neon Maniacs (1986)

Sometimes They Come Back (1991)

Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983)

Premature Burial (1962)

The Landlord (2009)

Slugs: The Movie (1988)

The Masque of the Red Death (1964)

...

Blood: The Last Vampire (2009)

then new guy

Thank you Facebook

Love Object (2003)

Stan Helsing (2009)