Chillerama (2011)

If your idea of fun is sitting at home and watching family guy reruns this is your movie and we here at Satan's Orphans strongly suggest one thing get up go to the kitchen sink open the cabinet underneath grab a big bottle of bleach and start chugging

(1/5) I Hate You

Tourist Trap (1979)

This movie creeps me out well its more like blond guys, overalls and manikins creep me out and this movie is full of them

The Brood 1979

With the help of modern psychiatry Nola Carveth has successfully made we want to vomit all over myself

T is for Turbo

I have so little faith that filmmakers will get there shit together but there things that make me eat my words. I was turned on to the ABC's of Death and this happens to be a anthology of 26 directors who have made shorts films that get voted on by folks and from what I've seen its damn awesome. I've been busy of late trying to folks laugh with me instead of at me, made some progress little but still its an improvement. Take some time to watch some short films instead of watching a god damn remake!

T is for Turbo is five minutes of pure entertainment with an early troma feel, keep in my this short has entertained me more than any mainstream film has done in a long time. Who knows maybe will be remaking this in thirty years and some poorly educated knucklehead will rail against it long after Im dead or just given up on the state of films.

Like I always say, I hope I can tell someone smarter than me and they can do something about it.

T is for TURBO from RKSS.tv on Vimeo.

The Creature Walks Among Us (1956)

I would have watched this years ago if someone had told me that the green mile was a remake of this film so sad ... so sad

(5/5)

StageFright: Aquarius (1987)

this is a wonderful slasher if you can get past this one thing HOW THE FUCK CAN HE SEE WHATS GOING ON IN THAT OWL HEAD !!!!

(4/5)

Nightmare City (1980)

everybody lookout its a plane full of guys with poo on there face and they're pissed

(2/5)

Necronomicon 1993

So waaay back in 1993 some genius in Hollywood decided to make a movie based off of H.P. Lovecraft's Fabled book of the dead. How they thought this was a good idea is way beyond my fucking comprehension. This is basically a anthology movie with a wraparound story of H.P. (played by Herbert West himself Jeffrey Combs) stealing the book from some weird monk guys in new york city in the 20's it appears Lovecraft is seeing the future in the book as all of the stories take place in modern times (well 1993 ). The first of the stories deals with some guy who inherits an old family home by the sea and his wife is dead and he wants to bring her back. Of course he uses the Necronomicon left in the house from his ancestor who used it to resurrected his wife and child who died in shipwreck back in the day. Neither of these idiot dudes think that using the book of the dead to bring their dead family's back will be a bad idea. Those of us with some sense in out damn heads know it can only end with your wife coming back as a tentacle bitch intent on killing you . The man in modern times ends up almost being eaten by a Kracken/ Cthulu monster living under the house as it sinks into the ocean with him escaping via the roof and impaling the Kracken with a piece of glass right in his eye! The second story is all about all about the nerdy scientist who played Baxter Stockman in the second Ninja turtles movie who is keeping himself alive with some cold Mr freeze style serum. A reporter comes to investigate and of course he knocks her up. Blah blah stuff happens she leaves and comes back while hes killing someone for his serum stuff and his lab burns up and she is saved by the elderly landlord woman who always loved the Dr and they raise the baby presumably by killing people and draining the spinal fluid form them and using the Necronomicon just like the Dr was doing the whole time. The third and final story is a bout two cops one of which got the other preggers searching a warehouse for a serial killer named the butcher. Long story short the butcher is the man leading them around the whole time and hes working for aliens. The aliens are stealing people brains and putting them into weird Mynock looking creatures. The female cop wakes up in the "hospital" which is really the weird Mayan/alien temple spaceship thingy.

All in all this movie is pretty fucking great watch it!

Doctor Rampageo's thoughts can be heard everyday over at plasticgraveyard.com

im in there somewhere

So ive been writing for http://www.plasticgraveyard.com/ why they would want me is far beyond my comprehension it must be more trouble censoring my 12 word posts with a dick photo attached than  to just not have me share my hate ummmm yeah sift through the toy photos to find the non horror movies ive been watching

Insidious 2010

So darth maul is haunting a child while poltergeist and amniville horror get poorly ripped off by a hack hard to believe its going downhill from dead silence

(1/5)

Mark of the Devil (1970)

 

If you ever find yourself thinking that you want to pursue the glorious career of a witch finder this is a must see inside look at the inner politics and the perks of the job

(4/5)

Devil (2010)

After watching the Mechanist M. Night Shyamalan re-wrote the plot to saw with a mouth breather a bitchy old lady and friends

My Weekend in the burbs... I wanna take strangers out with direct headshots

So how in the world would you like to separate yourself from civilization? Me, I like to take a large chuck of time and watch a large number of films over the span of a weekend. I will not delve deep into any of the nine movies that I wasted my time with the aid of red wine and a vaporizer. I have placed all of the dvds in a stack of the order they were seen.

The first is Beverly Hills cop, the classic Eddie Murphy fish of of water tale with a loose cannon cop played by Eddie and the highlight is Cousin Balki from Perfect Strangers doing what Jeremy Piven did in Rush Hour... it just happens Cousin Balki was just funnier.

The seemingly 80s tv movie remake of the Bad Seed, Now this updated version of the play comes across with all the flavor of boiled chicken and David Carradine really shades in his life playing a drunk/chester the molester/retard... his scenes come across like he is trying to flirt with Mae West, I get it this is the help but do you need to push the plot along by having a drunk who points out a little girls panties??? Fans of flowers in the attic, dig this one

The Burbs, Awesome 80's Tom Hanks comedy with a better cast that helps this slightly weird comedy, Corey Feldman plays a dopey airhair whose job is to push the plot along in a Shakespeare way. Bruce Derns plays a crackpot vet who like so many people in my life Ive met seem to function only when given instructions... Brother Theodore was underused as one of the creepy neighbors. I know this seems a little pup for me, but trust me this may be a Joe Dante film and that may be hollywood but its more than worth your time.

Airport, The Burt Lancaster and Dean Martin disaster film with tons of stars in this rudimentary sluggish film drags along for way to long and thank Satan for Airplane for taking the piss out of this juggernaut of a film at the time. Me and my Girlfriend living alot longer for the duration of this amateur seeming after the dust has settled and what is left is a clunky mess of many people lives intersecting in truely meaningless manner. Dont bother with this film unless your a fan of characters talking in ovals to simulate a phone call.

Pump up the Volume, Another venture into the burbs due to me being in Millbrae for almost two weeks Dog sitting and the weird part is I still call it San Bruno to anyone I talk to...I regard suburbia as a centrally located hell for anyone who want to take challenge out of their life. Pump up the volume is a great sci-fi treat in with Christian Slater playing a guy who moved from New York to Arizona and what he faces is a boring everytown usa that is yearning for a 3rd rate Lenny Bruce who listens to the Rollins band and the Beastie Boys... all the flock was just waiting for someone to come along and Say "What the fuck are you people thinking? life sucks." This film is complete with the posh proper smart girl who is mad as hell and is not going to take it anymore. This movie proves there is no revolution with dancing... and if the kids r united, all that happy horse shit that I cant help not loving.

Happy Hell Night, Holy fuck! this is a turd but I must insist that you need this for your eyeballs! Now this films washes up on your shores and youre thinking Darren Mcgavin and Sam Rockwell now your talking... Two solid actors in a horror film and true its been a while for both of this dudes between Kolchak the night stalker and Clownhouse the nambla citizen kane, all I can saying is the dopest pop punk soundtrack to sweeten this unflushed toilet of a movie... The killer is this low rent Pinhead who just goes around killing college kids and issues decrees of No... fill in the blank of what not a horny teen should be doing. This is a bible of how not to make a good film.

Switchblade Sisters, Classic sleaze and you will love every minute of this out of control teen gang film with all the torn open chest exposing breast shot you could want. This movie is the first film of Rolling Thunder pictures I ever saw...Thank Quintin you thought me a lesson! this time with no swat teams...inside joke really if you think you don't know. Just see this fucking film!!!!

Beast with a Gun!!!! the best is for last. I really won't even bother going deep into why this is my favorite of the weekend aside it being a 70s Italian bloody action scummy jewel! Starts out with a heist and some hostages taken by Nanni Vitali played by Helmut Berger and this dude rules because I chose my German name to be Helmut because in high school German there is no Josh so I wanted to be funny before I was kicked out of German and Holocaust class... big ups to Dan Jacques for chucking shit at the front desk ladies back in the day! miss them days... So Helmut gets to play a sick fuck who just spends his time robbing, raping and killing people. I also feel I cant ever thinking of making a movie this good because I get labeled a woman hater, but sadly this is the kind of filth I love because this wraps back around to suburbia due the fact people are always content in their sleep starbucks job sleep way of life and they choose not to admit this life is filled with evil and have lodged heads up their asses to not see how life itself has failed them. I am stuck in a place that most likely helped GW Bush elected. I went to the Millbrae Pancake house and how the fuck can anyone feel out of place just by the act of wearing black tshirt in a food joint and in this pisshole that seemed to be filled with Jon cougar Melloncamp fans... Me and my Girlfriend felt all eyes were placed on us and its not my low self esteem, I got verified by her thinking we stepped in the twilight zone.

Point being live for something new not strip mall sushi. I hope your efforts are hard fought and you vanquish more enemies than just Ivan Drago just because you watched Rocky four on instant. I also found it funny I snapped two photos of a fancypants car with a netflix license holder, and not that I care about 5 bucks more a month but keep an eye on the clown doll in the corner... what may being smiling at you when youre awake just may be the thing that will kill you.