Poltergeist II: The Other Side (1986)

What ever happened to Dana Freeling did the grandmother refuse to let her into her home because she was a slut or was there a secret human sacrifice to the beast

(5/5)

AVATAR AIN'T NO "THE BEING"

Jackie Kong is the Homer of our times. Take Avatar for instance. It's entire plotline is lifted from Jackie Kong's 1983 circus of cinematic splendor known as "The Being". D'OH.

The Being is the tale of a proto-fascist potato death squad that creates "the ultimate terror". The Being, a schizophrenic dinosaur with no skin, is the most advanced, futuristic weapon in all of rural Idaho. Played by a sneaker encrusted with dung, The Being "mutilates and decapitates".

Hell, The Being even postulates.

Using an elaborate machine, he's also been known to desanguinate. When he gets upset, he "gyrates and vibrates". And when he becomes aroused, he pollinates.

The local High Wizard of the Potato Mafia is able to project his consciousness into The Being using a high speed wireless internet connection. He's also able to download a vast quantity of pornography and store it on a hard drive lodged in The Being's brain.

This is the Potato Wizard's undoing however. His mental universe overun with pornographic images, The Being's testes are kicked into warp-overdrive and his musty six-foot schlong begins projecting a veritable avalanche of chunky smegma like a supernatural fuck-juice cannon. For fifty-five harrowing minutes, the viewer is drenched in gore as The Being endures the longest and most violent orgasm in all of history, ejaculating his internal organs and even his bones.

Then NASA shows up and asks the High Wizard to cut out the funny business. Just like in Avatar.

Ben Ford also hosts his own blogs, including torturedenglish.blogspot.com.

The Devil's Rain (1975)

Meet Corbis the nicest 300 year old  satanic cult leader you will ever meet its a shame that all his friends melted :(

(2/5)  ps... Shatner sucks

Poltergeist (1982)

Why see Paranormal Activity when you can just watch this again?

Retarded Review(ers) #3 Poltergeist (1982)

How would that be ???

Candyman and Robert Gould Shaw

I understand that at first glance comparing Candyman to Glory (yes the Oscar winning film). I will have to push you though my mind in order for this to have any sound logic, Glory, a film trumped to tell the tale of the first all black regiment and this was able to be done by having Matthew Broderick. Every since I saw this film, I never quite grasped the theory that if you were telling a groundbreaking story of humans advancing towards a equal world, why would it be giving to the authority figure who is white? I hear stories of Jackie Robinson and not the guy who gave signals at second base. In short Candyman is a film about an inner city urban legend Candyman, who is to blame for making a film set in a Chicago project? Virgina Madsen plays a graduate student working on her thesis and just treat the people in the Neighbor which the Project is in, like she lifted up a rock and poked at she found.

The first ten minutes are spend establishing how she is very gung ho about going to the project that her black friend was just terrified of and her friend had screen time unless glued to Virgina Madsen hip. As you get past a project of hollowed out, spray paint cover and young thugs in windbreaker jackets. You meet a Woman with two children and no dad. At this point, I could not decide if its more racist than Downtown(Anthony Edwards white cop gets hip film). This is heavy handed trash by Clive Barker about the moral of this film is dating outside your race will get you killed. None of the characters in this film are likable and I found so many problems in having a film about a White broad stirs up trouble and just gets people dead.

Wrap up, its poor stereotypes set against Villian??? Candyman was put to death for seducing a white woman, now how does this guy get turned into a Black Freddy Krueger? Freddy was a child Molester and Candyman was victim of Caveman ignorance hardly making him a killer than a tragic figure.

This is no redemption for a shitball of a film and I have a rule, if it would be in Fangoria chances are I would not like it. Watching this I just ended up frustrated and a little rantish.

Watch It Here

I attempt to understand 90's horror

How can I start this? Could I list all the wannabe franchises that horror tried to hornswaggle us into? Phantasm, Night of the demons, subspecies, warlock, Puppet Master,Prom night,Children of the corn,Critters and I could just keep on going with this. I find it also weird that Full Moon Entertainment was churning out a lions share of this garbage, I have to say when this films came out, I was spending most of my time looking around the horror section of West Coast Video and this was a time when a video store was a video store...meaning there was a porn section(fuck off Blockbuster). I have names in my head like Blood Salvage, Grim Prairie Tales, Warlock, All this films I watched them as a teen, I just do not have any idea what the plots of these films are. I have dating my girlfriend for a while now and knowing that horror films tend to be love them or hate them. I remember that one of the first movies that I wanted to show her to prove that horror can have artistic merit was Opera , Which happens to be one of Argento's finest films and just having watched Phantom of the Opera by Argento and I was cringing at how bad this was. I am also brought to the time I was watching Bruiser the neo-giallo that proves my point that no matter how good Dario was in the 80's, there just was a bottlenecking of Horror by churning out sequel after sequel until films were a sad parody of themselves and a low point had to be Puppet master vs demonic toy, come on Corey Feldman playing a descendant of Andre Toulon gives a cursory history of the Puppet Master gang and how Andre toulon fought the Nazis.

I had a time a few months back where I showed my most of the genre films that I love and I was kinda scared of watching Dr.Giggles, not that its a bad film.I think that Larry Blake did a good job of weird killer who a dentist groupie but did little aside washed out flashbacks and Crazy houses to flesh out his character and was Dr.Giggles torn between School loans or murder. Dr. Giggles was something to at least keep alive and watching in my age, it comes across like a full length Tales from the Crypt episode. In All things Crypt, the first two features Demon knight and Bordello of Blood where great, but be aware there is a Film called Rituals and just was a Tim Curry shitfest where they slapped on a Cryptkeeper intro to dupe in viewers. Would I be going off topic if I mentioned that the Tale from the Darkside Film was a letdown, Deborah Harry was one draws for the film and even then I could not put a finger on the sole source of letdown and it had little to do the lack of violence.

The Ice Cream Man with Client Howard in a starring role just as brilliant as Evilspeak, a carrie knockoff which Clint is just less lumpy headed in his younger years. Ice Cream Man was a tale of Lumpy Head over the topping himself in a role of Pied Piper all the while suffering dayglo flashbacks which made good use of fish eye lens and bad puns. I won't explain them any further for now, I just urge you to watch them both.

Much can be learned for the 90's, just like Full Moon films. If people just stop making derivative bullshit, Saw and its many bastards to any J-horror remake that tends to star someone that makes you say "what ever happened to?" also I have to say just because you have dyed hair and tattoos that does not give you the right to make horror Films, Troma had flooded the market on punks and freaks, it spawned a low class of genre fans and choking the life and plots out of Troma for years and there is no end in sight. To many dolts with camcorders can make a horror film like Filthy Mcnasty and not enough Filmmakers with Vision like Damian Packard, Reflections of Evil is not horror but a flat out mindfuck.

Did I make my point?

The Bad Seed (1956)

Its bad enough that you murder people must you be such a little cunt when your not murdering

 (3/5)

The Inauspicious Beginnings of The Being

Jackie Kong's "The Inauspicious Beginnings of The Being" is a prequel to the famed "The Being". It endeavors to explain how this sentient dildo was transformed into a maniacal maniac.

Birthed to an Otter impregnated by Grimmace, The Being is adopted by a lonely cat-woman (who uncannily resembles my ex-girlfriend's querulous "mother"). His maleficence manifests anon. When a pediatrician suggests a healthy child should not have green sludge coursing through its veins, The Being infiltrates the doctor's buttcrack with his massive, coarse, tentacles. The doctor's urine-logged corpse is found hours later, bloated with fish eggs.

The Being struggles to fit in at school. But no one else likes the XFL.

One boy in particular, Yosemite, teases The Being because he looks like a crushed tit. Yosemite is the son of the local potato mogul.

Inspired by a rousing episode of ALF, The Being fights back. He uses his nascent telepathic powers to seize control of Yosemite's mind and then induces him to consume double cheeseburgers unyieldingly, fostering a bowel movement so compacted it rips him apart to death. All that remains of Yosemite is a granite monolith of crap.

The principle of Pottsville Elementary crosses The Being. Director Jackie Kong raises the bar for cinematic gore in a truly bloodcurdling scene in which The Being reduces this mortal man to a mere puddle of cottage cheese.

Kong clearly means to foreshadow The Being's predilection for burrowing into holes when he shows that as a teenager The Being began sneaking into people's wombs at night.

"The Inauspicious Beginnings of The Being" is Kong at his best. In fact, this is the greatest film I have ever seen in my life.

Ben Ford also hosts his own blogs, including TorturedEnglish.blogspot.com.

Another Thing About "The Being"...

The Being, Jackie Kong's valedictory discharge of whimsy and the macabre, concerns a wet sliver of goose shit come to life. Nourished on mashed potatoes and nuclear sediment, The Being "mutilates and decapitates".

The Being (played by a brown paper bag full of vomit) resembles a macerated Gorilla scrotum. Bejeweled with simmering pustules and mentally crippled by coprophagic compulsions, The Being embarks on a genocidal rampage the likes of which the world has never seen before. Most terrifying of all, it takes place in small-town, USA--a little place I like to call Pottsville, Idaho.

The film is corpulent with complexity. The Being is first of all a genetic freak. This makes perfect sense because his mother became pregnant with him after being molested by Data from the Star Trek: The Next Generation series.

In addition, he is transformed into a half-digested conglomeration of cat turds after gorging on irradiated French fries, (which are technically in no way different from those served at McDonald's today).

Each night, as suburban housewives contemplate the conclusion of that evening's episode of Oprah, The Being emerges from the local disposal dump. Quickly assembling makeshift scaffolding, he scales the walls of his victim's homes and wriggles down the chimney like a Santa Claus from Hell, arrived to deliver one-liners and kickbox the shit out of people.

I guess someone decides to hunt down the malodorous miscreant or something, I haven't seen it in a while.

Anyway, in an anticlimactic final scene it turns out The Being was nothing more than a mop tied to a pair of roller skates.

Ben Ford also hosts his own blogs, including TorturedEnglish.blogspot.com.

Tenement aka Game of Survival

When I purchased this film I never heard of this but taking a chance because it cover art was 80's punk/gang members looking as if they did not meet Charles Bronson yet. I assumed that I was going to be watching a simple film of revenge dealt out by punks on dopes, this is a film that should be shown nightly in the SF moma. I have yet even get to facts about Tenement but I already want your copy purchased by now anyways...

The intro is a slummy Bronx footage with just about the best rap songs with 10 words or less, no I am not sure if there is a grammy for that but there should be. Now this film is a cobb salad of racial stereotypes and for some reason when Disney leaves out violence and make cartoons singing racial stereotypes, its a grand idea to show your children! its beyond me sorry its ranting now. I will get back to the film and from the ground up this is aces in my book! The gang is a glue sniffing rainbow crew of assorted of all color who have all agreed to look beyond petty differences and live in the basement of a tenement and hassle the dwellers of the building... and by now it bananas with stereotypes like the fat drunk Mexican, old Jewish lady and the black handyman, now the teams have been picked, light the powderkeg of pure fun!

This Film has so many things my eyeballs never thought they would get to see and boy are they glad they did! the fat drunk gets a bottle to the head, rats eaten with knifes, dead dog hangings and the main bad guy is a vested palooka named Chato which sounds like Chaco taco with his overplayed accent and the rest of the gang would fit quite nicely in the nosebleed section of the gang treaty from the Warriors.

The plot concerns is the multi cultural gang is unhappy due to the fact, the tenants called the cops and they are back for revenge, when ensues is just about as wonderful as early Troma films. The tenants are a motley crew themselves, focused on the hesitant leader and I see this man as a sympathetic character, just goes to show you... no sleeves and greats arms don't mean you want to lead people and I have faces this problem in my life.

Now lets get to the part where this movie takes a turn for the AMAZING. I have seen very few films that can down right repulse and manage to deliver a solid plot this is your film. I am talking just about one scene in particular, the broomstick rape scene of a woman who just stabs a gang member with a pair of scissors and then she is just punched the crap of by the other gang members and then they take a broom and open her legs and use the broom like a breadstick in her olive garden, while her child is watching.

Before this film is deemed offensive, what is wrong with showing a mirror up to the face of people by showing just how ugly people are. I find that no matter how much vile things on screen, people just never take in account that there is a need for films like this to balance off the Blockbuster way of life. Why in the fuck would you watch another Jason Stratham movie in which he kicks a door? just go into to Blockbuster and see how little choice you have. I went to cockfucker in Sonoma looking for the Running Man for some solid entertainment and the dumpy clerk who after waiting a painful three minutes in line of fuckfaces who dont know nothing but sequels of remakes of something that someone else made. My point is that the broomstick rape seen made not only my roommate leave the room, a bonus of my girlfriend at the time left my apartment and this are moments I cherish.

The rest is a gigglefest of the gang slowly making their way up to the top of the building and all the wacky adventures and grisly deaths, showing you cant keep a rag tag team of dwellers down. The rest of Tenement is a valiant battle of the scared residents using their wits against the glue sniifers.

 

Roberta Findlay has an amazing Imdb profile stuffed with Porn and horror and if you watch the extras, you will see what a goofy broad from New york she is. See this film and fend off remakes and someday it will all be over, we will see a new wave of genre films. I wait for the day that I will see a new film I enjoy and not every three years.

Braindead (1992)

Dear Peter Jackson,
why did you stop making horror films the wold needs more

(5/5)

p.s.. The lord of the rings trilogy is long & boring

Onibaba (1964)

If someone had lice would you steal their hat and wear it? ... No?  Than why would you take a mask from a guy with a melted off face?  What the hell is wrong with you!

(2/5) you can watch it here if you feel like looking at ugly naked people running through tall grass and throwing strangers in a creepy hole