Neon Maniacs

Since I am know for my skills in oneupmensship and its really one of my better qualities. I have to tell people instead of watching Nightbreed, people should seek out a lovely lesser known film Neon Maniacs. The films starts out just as one would guess, with an older dude all alone and with the "what sound was that look on the face" boom he gets greased when he finds tarot cards with creatures who predate Nightbreed by four years, and still manage to outgay Clive Barker and thats hard to do! Now the Maniacs are a rogues gallery of monsters who looks like someone got a great deal on bulk costumes, theres a biker, a doctor, a doglike thing, something that looks like a booger with sharp teeth, samuri and a bunch of stotic non verbal killers. The focus of the story has shades of peyton place and romeo and juliet...not really, its about the lovely blond girl who has her in the woods party attacked by the neon maniacs and she is the only one to live to tell the tale. She has little help by the people who think she made it all up, this allows a reason to bring in the nerdish hero guy who happens to be in a Rick Springfield influenced band and he happens to believe she is not lying. The film progresses quite nicely with a classmate who makes horror movies and is a pest, wackiness ensues as it goes into the final act and I will not tell you where it happens and if you've ever seen one horror film it will come to no suprise and its open ended 80's finish makes you wish you grew up watching this expand into a franchise, sadly it was just Jason takes Manhattan and it may be for the best because most genre just became self parody and I would throw this baby in a lake before I let any harm or remake would arise.

Ginger Snaps (2000)

New Title - She wolfs time of the month

(5/5)

The Being, Again

Foreboding fog emanates from the fog machine inadvertently captured in the lower left corner of the screen. An acrid odor seeps from the local disposal dump. Night looms and The Being lurks.

What a horrible night to have a curse.

And cursed Potsville, Idaho is. Cursed with a twelve foot tall bipedal sausage that "mutilates and decapitates."

Every night The Being, a sentient conglomeration of circumcised foreskin, emerges from his sophisticated system of underground tunnels to terrorize ordinary people--people just like you and me.

His maniacal rampage begins with the brutal execution-style killing of a man in his own home. The Being knocks on the front door. A bare-chested man opens the door and snaps his red, white and blue suspenders against his chest as he greets the deranged dildo-shaped monster. "What can I do for ya? This ain't no hour to be bangin on people's doors, ya know." The Being stares as a strong wind plucks three-inch blue-gray hairs from the man's stout corpus, dense with a century's worth of accreted bumpkin cuisine.

"Well?" The man gestures for a response. The Being shoots him with laser beams.

The Being then stumbles upon two young lovers in the park while he is foraging for used condoms. He interrupts their séance with more laser beams.

Just when you thought The Being embodied only the macabre, he rescues a kitten from a tree. "Thanks again, The Being," says old lady Speransky, pink curlers clinging to her head as The Being hands her Muffy. They smile at each other like a Mentos commercial.

Then he lobs her head off and fucks the cat.

The film has a bit of a queer ending however. While renovating his catacombs a logistical error causes The Being to become lodged in some plumbing with his head protruding into someone's toilet bowl. The proprietor of the toilet recognizes The Being from a poster he saw at the post office which read, "Wanted Dead or Alive or Crammed in a Pipe". The man flushes the toilet, and with this gesture purges evil from the very bowels of Potsville.

Jackie Kong's The Being is like an onion. Every time you watch it you unravel another layer.

And then you start crying.

Ben Ford also hosts his own blogs, including torturedenglish.blogspot.com.

Nightbreed (1990)

This must have been based on the Morlocks (a tribe of sewer mutants from the x-men comics)

 (4/5)

Unholy Moly's Top ten for Two Thousand and Nine

in no good order  here is my top ten of the year

• John Lithgow - way to trump the 5000 actors who played serial killers on Dexter I honestly wanted a spin-off of some sort

 

• The M.J. Conspiracy - Desperate for money to keep living his eccentric life style Michael Jackson faked his death to give his record sales life again it was the only way to get past his alleged pedophilia 

• Krampus - I just learned of this amazing creatures existence American children are missing out on fearing Krampus
  

• Type O Negative at the Palladium - They were slow deep and hard

• C.O.D.M.W. 2 - I've been a 24 hour killing machine  ever since this came out

•  My 10 Speed Gargamel - It's rusty and noisy and bad ass 

• Motorhead at The H.O.B. - The only god I need is Lemmy 

• Meeting Malcolm McDowell - " Welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, well. To what do I owe the extreme pleasure of this surprising visit?" I wish he greeted me like that

• The Orphan - Its great when you think a movie is going to suck and it kicks you in the fucking neck and tells you that you know nothing

• Chandra said yes!!! - someone wants to spend the rest of their life with me
  

2009 was a long long year but a lot of good things came out of it in the end unfortunately there were far more terrible things hopefully 2010 is boring or at the least my truck lives another year  

- regretfully yours, Unholy Moly

Casual dress for a shallow grave's Top ten for Two Thousand and Nine

10. Find out today that Susan Sarandon is single again, She proves that milf does a body good.

9. Going to see paranormal activity, it had none of the screaming like a bitch men in the advert. Knowing that it was a good movie, but felt the ending was trite just to please the masses with buttered fingers and screaming children whom all later enjoyed a fun outting to the mall.

8. combining all the different ways to watch films (Hulu, netflix, video room, crackle and theaters) into one nonstop movie that my life is.

7. Troll 2, so much to say about this film. I would need a separate earth to house all the love in my heart for Troll 2.

6. WWE greatest managers documentry, Classy Freddy Blassie is a man I have idolized even since I found out what the man stood for. I had my life changed for the better after reading his book and I took the mantle of warning the world about the peril of pencil neck geeks and what harm they cause the world.

5. Chicago and Earth, wind and fire at the Greek theater.

4. Getting my fat ass to the gym, sheet cake is ranked 11 to 43 in my best of list.

3. Going though the entire seires of the Shield.

2. Making a joke of Brittany Murphy's death as soon as I found out about it, by saying she was the female Heath Ledger and Perez Hilton just put up the same headline after me...Sorry Bitch. FIRST!

1. Introducing my girlfriend to the best show to ever exist, Father Ted. Father Ted is the funniest show ever to not get heard of by the masses, if course it was from the bbc, it had to be from England because it does not reflect the 2.5 kill yourself picket fence suburb hell that most sitcoms have, Sorry Tim Allen drugs did not make you funny or edgy, just made you a lame ass decked out in plaid, wheres your career? Is it sitting on the pocket of a santa suit in a broom closet of a Disney soundstage?

This does not sum up my entire year, but just a few moments in time. Fuck anyone who still holds a candle for god, ghosts or anyone ooga booga shit, that cannot be verified with science. I have been told all my life to respect beliefs of others. I have become more focused in my anger towards "beliefs" seeing that just fifty years ago people wanted me dead just because I fell in the jewish way of life, I make an effort to turn my back towards anything pretaining to "faith" Faith itself disgusts me, its the perfect way to have a bottomfeeder have the ability to end an arguement by saying " I see you have presented your facts, but I will still go to church every sunday so I can pay rent to my invisible landlord".

Make the most of your new year and crush the windpipe of anyone who would harm animals(besides bacon)

La marca del Hombre-lobo (1968)

The American name for this film is Frankenstein's bloody terror watching it there was no Frankenstin or his monster just some satanic vampires and a few wolf-men who like to wrestle

(5/5)

The Others (2001)

The Others is Beetlejuice without any comedy  just a uptight woman locking doors

(3/5)

Mutant

A specter is haunting Goodland--the specter of Mutant.

Mutant, born free but everywhere in chains, constitutes "a danger that lurks below."

But that's not all.

God, no.

A "ghoulish tale" directed by John "Bud" Carlos, Mutant transports its viewers to the ninth circle of hell--which just happens to be a "small midwestern town."

Bo Hopkins plays...some guy who travels to Goodland to...solve mysteries or some shit. After a truculent backwoodsman and his petulant coterie of clodhoppers forces Bo and his brother--an invalid that wears a propeller cap--to drive off a bridge by beleaguering him with a barrage of "Yo' mama" jokes, Bo decides to head into town to meet some local women. There he meets...whatever character Jennifer Warren plays...whoever Jennifer Warren is.

Meandering aimlessly in a giant diaper and yellow duck slippers, Bo's brother stumbles upon a homeless man that relates a foreboding message. "Stay out of Goodland. Get out while there's still time." It turns out that the local chemical plant has been illegally dumping toxic waste, and several farmers have gone missing. The old man vanishes. Bo's brother licks his oversized lollipop.

Then like two and a half hours go by during which Mutant kills like one person.

Mutant is no The Being, that's for sure.

Phantoms Phantoms Phantoms

Phantom of the Opera, The (1925) 

•  The Phantom = Some sort of awesome man baboon who is really good with a noose
  
• Christine Daaé = She looks like she is doing the vogue
• The Film = Its funny how a silent film can put all its remakes to shame 

(5/5)

Fantasma dell'opera, Il (1998)

• The Phantom = A sketchy hessian dude raised by rats who enjoys a good power walk around the cave
• Christine Daaé = A clingy slut who throws a tantrum the second the phantom needs some phantom time
• The Film =  the phantom with gore sex and giant human traps in the sky like most argento movies it leaves you wondering what the fuck did i just watch

(2/5)

Phantom of the Opera, The (2004)

• The Phantom = A greasy gym rat who lost his right eyebrow
• Christine Daaé = Completely insane, she believes her dead father is teaching her to sing through her mirror
• The Film = A terrible musical that makes the story drawn out and confusing 

(1/5)

Thoughts and proverbs, but mainly shit references

I will start out by saying that Rob Zombie's use of cartoon boobs may fall flat to most people, but on the other hand, he did make it possible for someone to hear metal while getting a lapdance in the 90's.

Avitar??? what the fuck is this fruitcake movie about, not that one jar-jar binks was bad enough...lets fill a room with salamander men, great idea fucknuts. I understand that the world is starved for original ideas that will shell out bucks to see what college kids are able to do with their laptops nowadays.

Life is tough for any fan of genre films, enough good mags like videoscope are including major blockbuster crap in their reviews. I have to say its not that I only watch genre but when I go to Star market, I don't want them selling me a wristwatch. Horror fans are either people who cling to the past and won't let the ship go down until its clear that it was better in the past, thats the way I see things or there are the new breed of horror fans who like fast running zombies and gobshite remakes that have young people and current trends, as to lure in the teen fanbase. I really should also point out foreign horror is trying its best to flog a dead horse with a feather duster... get it its different. J-horror K horror or any horror with a letter in front of it, whatever. I did watch Inside which is a french film or as I like to call it Freedom-horror, anyways its a real nutter of a movie and a quality gigglefest for someone like me. overall good film and it got you into the fucked up situation and showed just how far it could be taken, I did have a problem when it did use the jumpy edit J-horror garbage... proving in the tiolet of cinema there will always be floaties in the water of creativity.

What was meaning of this rant, not sure but it does define the boundaries of my own interests when I subject myself to stare in the sunken eyes of corpse of horror.

Amanti d'oltretomba (1965)

If you can make people younger with your science why would you need to kill your wife for her inheritance ???

carnivore - inner conflict

I stumbled across this video that makes me feel so vary lame for loving the same song as this shirtless asshole looks like this time I lose