Saturday, March 20, 2010

The blood of these whores is killing me.

Blood for Dracula is a film that I was told to watch on the grounds that I would enjoy it and turns out this film is a two ton gigglefest. True art takes proper form by including a vegetarian vampire, a hero with needle marks on his arms who could not shake his New York accent and overusing the word Whore, I mean who does love whores and that word?

I am not sure how much Andy Worhol had to do in making this film, I have a sneaking suspicion that it was collecting junkies from the village and say "hey lets get naked and make a horror film" Shit the first time the Handy man takes off his shirt, you can needle marks in his arm. The use of skanky broads who are just unappealing, but hey junkies have to have their Michael Jordan too. Back to the plot, Dracula is told by personal Jerome that Dracula has to go to Italy in order to find virgin blood to support his "habit" and Udo Kier plays it better than Bugs Bunny pretending to get shot, in his painful drought of virgin blood. What you may pick up on is the fact Dracula is kinda a whiney bitch who is a pain in the ass for the hosting family.

And how does this happen you ask, Dracula and friend of course go to the tavern in the Italian village, because a bar is the first place I'd look for a virgin. Jerome is trying to look ill pimp by flashing money by offering to buy wine for people and tries to pick up a fourteen year old girl before having Jerome playing a game with Roman Polanski in a fake mustache and ends ups being chumped out in the game of you can't do, what I can do. This is when he is told of a family with four virgin girls! and in lucky turn for Dracula the child he tried to pick up in front of an old lady gets hit by a car and in a moment of quick thinking his Jerome grabs some bread to soak the blood for his Dracula.

On to the Family with the pack of virgins, who are real broke and just looking to sell of one of their own to support their lavish ways. The father is the kind of person who attempts to talk down to people by making not much sense to make his point. Everything plays out like a formerly rich who are just looking for what can keep them alive... just like Dracula! damn! There are the skanky broads who just want to get naked and screw the Handy man who is kinda in the rape and hitting women, and this is the hero???? The handy man is not buying Dracula's gimmick and tries to teach the broads he has sex with that after the revolution comes that the rich will die and a bunch of commie hooey, he even has painted a hammer and sickle in his bedroom if you could get where he come from.

Dracula is just whining about anything so he starts biting women who claim to be virgins and just ends up getting sick and convulsing on the ground. Yes, The blood of these whores is killing me is a line from the film. Dracula is just in a wheelchair just whines about whores and once the handy man finds out what Dracula is up to, he is willing to force himself on a girl to save her life.

The final act is pretty fucking amazing and the handy man grabs an ax to hand dracula's ass back to him. I think he just got sick of some rich guy in a wheelchair just complaining, we've all been there. Overall this film has naked broads and some great bloodshed wrapped in a soap opera sheath.

1 comment:

Unholy Moly said...

poor draculah spends half the movie vomiting up all the whore blood


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