Monday, December 26, 2011

Sledgehammer (1983)

All beware the ghost sledgehammer of a 12 year old ghost boy who we have no clue how he died or how he became 30 years older 20 years later all this and a gym rat party you will never forget!
(2.5/5)

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Chillerama (2011)

If your idea of fun is sitting at home and watching family guy reruns this is your movie and we here at Satan's Orphans strongly suggest one thing get up go to the kitchen sink open the cabinet underneath grab a big bottle of bleach and start chugging



(1/5) I Hate You

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Tourist Trap (1979)

This movie creeps me out well its more like blond guys, overalls and manikins creep me out and this movie is full of them

Saturday, October 29, 2011

The Brood 1979

With the help of modern psychiatry Nola Carveth has successfully made we want to vomit all over myself

Friday, October 21, 2011

T is for Turbo

I have so little faith that filmmakers will get there shit together but there things that make me eat my words. I was turned on to the ABC's of Death and this happens to be a anthology of 26 directors who have made shorts films that get voted on by folks and from what I've seen its damn awesome. I've been busy of late trying to folks laugh with me instead of at me, made some progress little but still its an improvement. Take some time to watch some short films instead of watching a god damn remake!

T is for Turbo is five minutes of pure entertainment with an early troma feel, keep in my this short has entertained me more than any mainstream film has done in a long time. Who knows maybe will be remaking this in thirty years and some poorly educated knucklehead will rail against it long after Im dead or just given up on the state of films.

Like I always say, I hope I can tell someone smarter than me and they can do something about it.

T is for TURBO from RKSS.tv on Vimeo.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Creature Walks Among Us (1956)


I would have watched this years ago if someone had told me that the green mile was a remake of this film so sad ... so sad

(5/5)

Monday, October 3, 2011

StageFright: Aquarius (1987)

this is a wonderful slasher if you can get past this one thing HOW THE FUCK CAN HE SEE WHATS GOING ON IN THAT OWL HEAD !!!!

(4/5)

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Nightmare City (1980)

everybody lookout its a plane full of guys with poo on there face and they're pissed

(2/5)

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Necronomicon 1993

So waaay back in 1993 some genius in Hollywood decided to make a movie based off of H.P. Lovecraft's Fabled book of the dead. How they thought this was a good idea is way beyond my fucking comprehension. This is basically a anthology movie with a wraparound story of H.P. (played by Herbert West himself Jeffrey Combs) stealing the book from some weird monk guys in new york city in the 20's it appears Lovecraft is seeing the future in the book as all of the stories take place in modern times (well 1993 ). The first of the stories deals with some guy who inherits an old family home by the sea and his wife is dead and he wants to bring her back. Of course he uses the Necronomicon left in the house from his ancestor who used it to resurrected his wife and child who died in shipwreck back in the day. Neither of these idiot dudes think that using the book of the dead to bring their dead family's back will be a bad idea. Those of us with some sense in out damn heads know it can only end with your wife coming back as a tentacle bitch intent on killing you . The man in modern times ends up almost being eaten by a Kracken/ Cthulu monster living under the house as it sinks into the ocean with him escaping via the roof and impaling the Kracken with a piece of glass right in his eye! The second story is all about all about the nerdy scientist who played Baxter Stockman in the second Ninja turtles movie who is keeping himself alive with some cold Mr freeze style serum. A reporter comes to investigate and of course he knocks her up. Blah blah stuff happens she leaves and comes back while hes killing someone for his serum stuff and his lab burns up and she is saved by the elderly landlord woman who always loved the Dr and they raise the baby presumably by killing people and draining the spinal fluid form them and using the Necronomicon just like the Dr was doing the whole time. The third and final story is a bout two cops one of which got the other preggers searching a warehouse for a serial killer named the butcher. Long story short the butcher is the man leading them around the whole time and hes working for aliens. The aliens are stealing people brains and putting them into weird Mynock looking creatures. The female cop wakes up in the "hospital" which is really the weird Mayan/alien temple spaceship thingy.










All in all this movie is pretty fucking great watch it!



Doctor Rampageo's thoughts can be heard everyday over at plasticgraveyard.com

im in there somewhere

So ive been writing for http://www.plasticgraveyard.com/ why they would want me is far beyond my comprehension it must be more trouble censoring my 12 word posts with a dick photo attached than  to just not have me share my hate ummmm yeah sift through the toy photos to find the non horror movies ive been watching

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Insidious 2010


So darth maul is haunting a child while poltergeist and amniville horror get poorly ripped off by a hack hard to believe its going downhill from dead silence

(1/5)

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Mark of the Devil (1970)


If you ever find yourself thinking that you want to pursue the glorious career of a witch finder this is a must see inside look at the inner politics and the perks of the job


(4/5)

Sunday, July 24, 2011

My Weekend in the burbs... I wanna take strangers out with direct headshots

So how in the world would you like to separate yourself from civilization? Me, I like to take a large chuck of time and watch a large number of films over the span of a weekend. I will not delve deep into any of the nine movies that I wasted my time with the aid of red wine and a vaporizer. I have placed all of the dvds in a stack of the order they were seen.

The first is Beverly Hills cop, the classic Eddie Murphy fish of of water tale with a loose cannon cop played by Eddie and the highlight is Cousin Balki from Perfect Strangers doing what Jeremy Piven did in Rush Hour... it just happens Cousin Balki was just funnier.

The seemingly 80s tv movie remake of the Bad Seed, Now this updated version of the play comes across with all the flavor of boiled chicken and David Carradine really shades in his life playing a drunk/chester the molester/retard... his scenes come across like he is trying to flirt with Mae West, I get it this is the help but do you need to push the plot along by having a drunk who points out a little girls panties??? Fans of flowers in the attic, dig this one

The Burbs, Awesome 80's Tom Hanks comedy with a better cast that helps this slightly weird comedy, Corey Feldman plays a dopey airhair whose job is to push the plot along in a Shakespeare way. Bruce Derns plays a crackpot vet who like so many people in my life Ive met seem to function only when given instructions... Brother Theodore was underused as one of the creepy neighbors. I know this seems a little pup for me, but trust me this may be a Joe Dante film and that may be hollywood but its more than worth your time.

Airport, The Burt Lancaster and Dean Martin disaster film with tons of stars in this rudimentary sluggish film drags along for way to long and thank Satan for Airplane for taking the piss out of this juggernaut of a film at the time. Me and my Girlfriend living alot longer for the duration of this amateur seeming after the dust has settled and what is left is a clunky mess of many people lives intersecting in truely meaningless manner. Dont bother with this film unless your a fan of characters talking in ovals to simulate a phone call.

Pump up the Volume, Another venture into the burbs due to me being in Millbrae for almost two weeks Dog sitting and the weird part is I still call it San Bruno to anyone I talk to...I regard suburbia as a centrally located hell for anyone who want to take challenge out of their life. Pump up the volume is a great sci-fi treat in with Christian Slater playing a guy who moved from New York to Arizona and what he faces is a boring everytown usa that is yearning for a 3rd rate Lenny Bruce who listens to the Rollins band and the Beastie Boys... all the flock was just waiting for someone to come along and Say "What the fuck are you people thinking? life sucks." This film is complete with the posh proper smart girl who is mad as hell and is not going to take it anymore. This movie proves there is no revolution with dancing... and if the kids r united, all that happy horse shit that I cant help not loving.

Happy Hell Night, Holy fuck! this is a turd but I must insist that you need this for your eyeballs! Now this films washes up on your shores and youre thinking Darren Mcgavin and Sam Rockwell now your talking... Two solid actors in a horror film and true its been a while for both of this dudes between Kolchak the night stalker and Clownhouse the nambla citizen kane, all I can saying is the dopest pop punk soundtrack to sweeten this unflushed toilet of a movie... The killer is this low rent Pinhead who just goes around killing college kids and issues decrees of No... fill in the blank of what not a horny teen should be doing. This is a bible of how not to make a good film.

Switchblade Sisters, Classic sleaze and you will love every minute of this out of control teen gang film with all the torn open chest exposing breast shot you could want. This movie is the first film of Rolling Thunder pictures I ever saw...Thank Quintin you thought me a lesson! this time with no swat teams...inside joke really if you think you don't know. Just see this fucking film!!!!

Beast with a Gun!!!! the best is for last. I really won't even bother going deep into why this is my favorite of the weekend aside it being a 70s Italian bloody action scummy jewel! Starts out with a heist and some hostages taken by Nanni Vitali played by Helmut Berger and this dude rules because I chose my German name to be Helmut because in high school German there is no Josh so I wanted to be funny before I was kicked out of German and Holocaust class... big ups to Dan Jacques for chucking shit at the front desk ladies back in the day! miss them days... So Helmut gets to play a sick fuck who just spends his time robbing, raping and killing people. I also feel I cant ever thinking of making a movie this good because I get labeled a woman hater, but sadly this is the kind of filth I love because this wraps back around to suburbia due the fact people are always content in their sleep starbucks job sleep way of life and they choose not to admit this life is filled with evil and have lodged heads up their asses to not see how life itself has failed them. I am stuck in a place that most likely helped GW Bush elected. I went to the Millbrae Pancake house and how the fuck can anyone feel out of place just by the act of wearing black tshirt in a food joint and in this pisshole that seemed to be filled with Jon cougar Melloncamp fans... Me and my Girlfriend felt all eyes were placed on us and its not my low self esteem, I got verified by her thinking we stepped in the twilight zone.

Point being live for something new not strip mall sushi. I hope your efforts are hard fought and you vanquish more enemies than just Ivan Drago just because you watched Rocky four on instant. I also found it funny I snapped two photos of a fancypants car with a netflix license holder, and not that I care about 5 bucks more a month but keep an eye on the clown doll in the corner... what may being smiling at you when youre awake just may be the thing that will kill you.

Friday, July 22, 2011

The Nesting (1981)


The vary needy Lauren Cochran attempts to live on her own in house in the woods she is so needy that she winds up wakening the spirits of the prostitutes who rest in this ex - brothel and nobody is safe from these whore ghosts

(4/5)

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Hardware (1990)

Tonight I tryed to watch Rubber Turned it off 10 minuets in and luckily I found myself watching this post-apocalyptic gem its about a rich girls art coming alive and biting her in the ass with that story line and a cameo from Lemmy you cant go wrong

(4/5)

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Hobo with a Shotgun (2011)



If batman was not born into money and have those stupid morals this would be his story
(5/5)

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Rubber...


Now its been a while since Ive tried to communicate my thoughts on a film, mostly its just been things passing in front of my eyeballs like images that pass quicker than a fart with all the windows open. I having this child like whimsy that keeps me chugging for the knowledge that someday soon I will be watching a film and I will be living the moment of "holy shit, I just saw that!" Even though I enjoy going to a two floor video store and treasure hunt for a few videos for the night. I saw the preview for Rubber and I got the feeling that this is one of those horror films that will make me think the genre is not dead.

This film just walked up to me and pissed in my mouth and said Hi fuckface I am meta bullshit and I will proceed to break myself down better than diarrhea covered toilet paper being flushed. This assblast from the present is letting you know from the getgo there is not a point and Rubber guards itself by including characters that provide commentary as well as filler for weird scenes, like when a jock would talk about the Sex Pistols and you'd know that there was a message that was completed missed by a dumbshit who got distracted with colored hair and loud music.

In the color commentary given by the onlookers who play 3rd rate servo for this Napoleon Dynamite of the horror world, I saw the preview and I was taken in and yes I thought it may be as good as the first Feast, boy was I wrong and every fifteen minutes my girlfriend lets out a groany I thought I was going to like this. We both agree the no story story is amazingly lame and the leaps of logic just to keep this corn dootie just make you want to find kick anyone who happens to be a deconstructionist.

racing along on a hot day with swamp-ass is more tolerable than toughing this self reflecting hipster mushpile. Its like some guy in tight pants saw Funny Games for the first time and said I can make a Horror film but I'll do it better. Why the fuck do people think certain films have not plot when they only tell a FUCKIN STORY instead of selling you products out the ass and using a song that rather popular and shove a Robert Downey jr in a title role and slap the film on the ass and make it a summer blockbuster.

So I told a joke about the new Teen Wolf remake during an open mic night. I said that I have not seen the film nor do I plan to, but heres my review... its like a woman ate a salty steak with a side of asparagus and washed it down with a black coffee then pissed in my mouth. Are people that stupid that all you have to do is slap a name on a film and people will go see it? just make another of twilight with its moody sexuality and the kids will love it. The fact I could never see a new movie in my life as long as I had my video store, I'd be fine. Disconnected and loving it.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

let me in 2010



ok that kid totally looks like winona ryder

Torso (1973)

A serial killer is loose in Perugia and he has good taste in accessory's I think the police are only after him for wardrobe advice

(4/5)

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

A Momentous Event


1983 changed everything.

The Being, a guano-addicted troglodyte, slithered from one of Jackie Kong's various generative orifices to declare a homosexual dictatorship over some bucolic swampwater shit-hole called Pottsville, Idaho. This seventy-foot tall malevolent uterus then proceeded to ejaculate neurotoxins into the local aquifer, causing several of the town's nearly one dozen incestuous philistines to develop rheumatoid arthritis.

Mortimer Lutz, a shaman who slathers his followers' genitals with warm mashed potatoes during public fornication rituals, casts superstitious aspersions upon the barnacled collapsed vaginal ceiling that has begun terrorizing the half dozen mindless cattle molesters who have not yet emigrated to a polity habituated to the use of toothpaste.

Resembling a sat-on roast beef sandwich, The Being is played by a Ziploc bag with a cheeseburger in it. The encased sandwich is then rolled down various declines, creating a sense of dynamic motion. At the end, Kong places the ghastly item onto a skateboard and rolls it into the Atlantic Ocean.

Ben Ford, a sentient erection who has not yet emigrated to a polity habituated to the use of toothpaste, also hosts his own blog, TorturedEnglish.blogspot.com.

Jackie Kong's Giant Penis

There's nothing more upsetting then when ordinary feline nut-balls swell into a bloodthirsty seventy-foot tall sentient erection. But exactly this is what transpires in Jackie Kong's The Giant Thinking Penis.

Having endured a harrowing ordeal which sees him reduced to a puddle of regurgitated cat food in Kong's previous installment in the Being franchise, The Incredible True Story of Michael Smith's Gelatinous Human Nut-Balls, The Being returns to confront once and for all his arch-nemesis Mortimer Lutz, played by Harold Wilderbum, animal porn-star. Wilderbum delivers a whirlwind performance which showcases his versatility as an actor in addition to his physical durability in scenes that call for all-out dinosaur-style monster fucking.

When one horrifyingly serene evening the soup that is now Michael Smith is fortuitously struck thirty consecutive times by lightning, the moment Dr. Finger has been waiting for has arrived. Slurping up the radioactive slop with a purple twirly straw and swishing it around in his herpetically-blistered mouth with the precise proportions of giblets, goose semen, and Pabst Blue Ribbon, he then swallows the odious concoction. Mortimer wipes clean a foggy window with his flannelled forearm and peers into the abandoned warehouse on Main Street just in time to witness The Being's emergence from Dr. Fingers mouth in conjunction with a caustic burp with causes Dr. Finger to erupt into flames.

America's favorite notorious retard is back in A Premonition of Debauchery.

Ben Ford engages in all out dinosaur style monster fucking on his own blog, TorturedEnglish.blogspot.com.

The Timeless Being

Does God exist? Can mankind devise an equitable and viable future society? What about gender on gender conflict?

We live in trying times. Yet one truth has remained unchallenged since time immemorial.

The Being.

A hot-air balloon filled with macaroni and endowed with a sixty-foot long mechanical impregnator-canon, The Being mutilates and decapitates. The Being drops translucent semen blobs the size of rhinoceroses on metropolitan areas, causing his victims to raise his instantly-maturing spawn even as they are awash in rivulets of globular cock-mayo.

Some sort of duck shows up.

The movie quickly devolves into a forty-five minute disco music video in which The Being shoots lasers out his rectum. But what the fuck else is new?

Thank for fucking my life, Jackie Kong.

Ben Ford, a translucent semen blob, also hosts his own blog, TorturedEnglish.blogspot.com.

The Being Revealed

It's hard to believe The Being first appeared nearly three decades ago. It still remains enigmatic.

The Being, a fetid mud accreted between the wrinkled, greasy labia of Michael's mother's ruffled and decomposing pussy, like a slimy, pea-colored mayonnaise slathered onto a rumpled and weathered ham sandwich half-crammed into an agape and threadbare mauve sock, "mutilates and decapitates".

The Being batters hapless victims with his enormous and crooked poisonous erection, at the end of which is a flaking, mildewed toenail. The bludgeoned are then subsumed into his man-eating scrotal sac. This menacing fanged nut-purse then balloons with digestive fluids, and victim's remains are excreted in The Being's swampy, bone-filled urine. In one upsetting scene, an entire intact rhinoceros cranial structure emerges from his warped, over-elongated frankfurter, which then explodes, disrupting the chronology of the narrative.

Now in diachronic disarray, The Being leaps senselessly from scene to scene, forcing the viewer to stitch the non-contiguous fable back together. It turns out The Being has fashioned an even deadlier reproductive member utilizing elements of his victim's pets. But this gnarled and knuckled ad hoc monster-sausage turns on The Being himself.

Constant, non-stop lightning subtly establishes the momentousness of the final scene, which takes place on a bright sunny Easter Sunday night. Beneath a thunderous clear blue sky The Being's murderous Frankenwang confronts a loyal testes-bag.

Preposterously disgusting, provocatively absurd--Jackie Kong, you've done it again, you bloodthirsty anus.

Ben Ford is ad hoc monster sausage who also hosts his own blog, TorturedEnglish.blogspot.com. Hi, Pat!

Understanding The Being

Jackie Kong's 1983 film The Being is a perturbed imploration to quit butt-fucking the shit out of Mother Earth.

The Being, augury of mankind's final state of decadent putrescence, is transformed into a sea cucumber nourished on its own rectal gravy. For Kong, mankind is nothing more than a gangrenous necro-wang ejecting lethal yogurt into the pimpled posterior of a prostrate and pusillanimous Pan.

All of history is but a pageant of pungent poop. Michael not only seeks solace in the bowels of the earth within the confines of a "dump": his mother in fact produced him in a bowel movement. Michael Smith is the excrement of the human race, birthed in a toilet, nursed on diarrhea.

Michael's mother--Linda or something--symbolizes contemporary womanhood. Outwardly a typical soccer mom who walks around radioactive dumps wearing a full-body condom for some reason, she is in reality a dissolute cock-pocket smeared with ruby lipstick and distended with musk-scented douche.

Rife with symbolism, Jackie Kong's quixotic entreaty to cease sucking the toxic dick of nuclear power amuses, entertains, and stimulates--but it fails to persuade. Therefore, one must conclude that dumping nuclear waste into the aquifer does not--and will not--affect the water.

A combustible atomic porcupine.

Juggling work, school, and a demanding masturbation regimen, Ben Ford also hosts his own blog, TorturedEnglish.blogspot.com.

Thinner (1996)


Billy Halleck should bottel this gypsy curse and sell it on the streets.... what im trying to say is your fat!


(5/5)

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Ruby (1977)


Carries mom is sleeping with a group of fake mobsters then she walks into a lake .... theirs a drive in theater in there somewhere


(2/5)

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Monday, March 14, 2011

Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2008)

Birdemic is a part of a new breed of movies that hurt to watch its the room with exploding birds

(0/5)

Sunday, February 20, 2011

The Incredible Melting Man (1977)

Astronaut Steve West loses his mustache in a freak space accident then takes his revenge on the human race one person at a time ... beware Steve the more he melts the stronger he gets

Friday, January 28, 2011

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Monday, January 10, 2011

Puppet Master: The Legacy (2003)

If you cut the Scenes from the other puppet master films out this is 5 minutes long and the puppets move 4 times thanks Charley Band

(1/5)

Saturday, January 8, 2011

tron legacy


their is mostly shitty horror movies reviewed on this site but im gonna review this cause i think pat said i could.

i wish i had a sailboat cause this movie bloooooooooooooooows. i dont know what to even say about this shitty reboot of the tron films it just sucks so bad and i was rolling on a gram of MDMA and this movie was not enjoyable at all and it was in 3D wtf bro. well anyways dont see this movie cause it sucks ya know.

(0.01/5) yea thats how shitty it was

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