Monday, January 2, 2012

Midnight Movie AKA How to analy fist the slasher genre

                So, you want to embarrass yourself and make the worlds shittiest slasher film?  Sorry bro, but writer/director Jack Messitt and writer Mark Garbett have already defecated so heavily on the genre that you can never obtain the title belt. 

                Lets start from the beginning, the music was bad enough to make Buckcherry fans uncomfortable.  I mean they opened up with some generic butt rock that makes Nickleback sound appealing.  Then it gets even better, they found someone that sounds like Blink 182, but sucks even worse and play the fuck out of them for 30 minutes. Meanwhile, they start the whole elaborate bullshit back story about some old guy who played a slasher in an old horror movie(of course it turned him crazy, killed a bunch of people). So, he is locked in an asylum but disappears along side everyone in the building(no one seems to think this is a big deal), after they show him his movie to cure him. OH, OH don't forget his horror movie is magic and it shits ice cream(I made the ice cream part up).  Then they cut to some bloody room, some symbols, and cops talk about a cult that is never mentioned again.   
                They have all the typical crappy card board cut out characters.  Then all of a sudden they break out the most original character idea ever!  A super loving boyfriend to the main character who just got accepted to a major college in a far far away universe.  Don't worry folks this 30 year old high school kid refuses to leave his true love.  Even the annoying blond chick from Heroes playing the chick who makes your popcorn couldn't save this movie.  Seriously though, dick doesn't happen for at least 35 minutes, they keep trying to set up back story that they never actually fucking explain and it never ties together.  It was like they got really fucking high and forgot what they were making a movie.  So after 35 minutes of being subjected to the worst dialogue and characters ever created, some asshole shows up wearing half a skull mask from Mortal Kombat and toting some twirly ass raper knife thing he made in his shed.  What about the tits and gore, you say?  I mean every slasher flick has those to look forward to!  Yea try again,  blood and gore must have sky rocketed in cost, cause these assholes clearly couldn't afford either.  Every kill was exactly the same and they cut away every time.  Wait  there's still tits!  Yea, no there's not,  unless you count the half second of nerd tits you would need to freeze frame.  Honestly, we could get further into this, including the sweet "twist ending", but lets just not.  Go look at some internet porn.........


~Zombie Ate My Breakfast

1 comment:

iZombie said...

have you seen the director's cut... i liked this movie, not cause i interviewed the cast, crew and composer. it was just a popcorn movie felt it was fun and outside the score i don't remember songs.



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