MEGA BEING VERSUS GIANT MUTANT

Every few years a film is released which revolutionizes the porn industry. Mega Being Versus Giant Mutant is one of those films. Directed by Jackie Kong, who many of us will remember from The Being trilogy, this film grabs the viewer by the nuts and keeps on squeezing.

Kong challenges prevailing interpretations of the collapse of the Soviet Union by unveiling it's relationship to two unsuspecting freaks of nature, The Mutant and The Being.

The Being, disfigured while attempting sexual intercourse with a vacuum cleaner in one of the more quizzical scenes of the film, is trained by Al Qaeda in a facility deep beneath the Sea of Azov where he is forced to curb his lifelong affinity for Syrian bread.

Kong relates his inspiration for The Being: "I was watching Animal Planet when a horse mounted another horse. I said, 'place a single, large, googly eye on that member and there's my leading man!'"

Wearing glasses and a fake mustache to conceal the fact that he is a nine-foot tall, incessantly-perspiring cyclops, The Being inaugurates a diabolical ponzi scheme which fleeces peanut farmers.

Meanwhile, The Mutant--an all-American boy from Smalltown, USA who debuted in 1983's Mutant--comes of age in the dazzling 1980s, and his favorite band is Nelson. The archetypical hometown football star, The Mutant betroths a profligate transsexual from the cheerleading squad who turns out to be part Octopus.

Things are going well for the young couple until The Mutant loses his job after inflicting a ferocious swirlie on a juvenile delinquent who arrived late to The Mutant's Home Economics seminar because he was smoking in the boys' room. "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the fuckin' bathroom!" shouts the enraged Mutant, brain matter spattering his apron. The youth dies. The scene witnesses the advent of The Mutant's antipathy for red tape and bureaucracy when he is informed that his community has a strict policy against abusing a student's cranium with porcelain in a concussive manner without a signed permission slip from the student's parents. Meanwhile, The Mutant's wife dies.

Meanwhile, The Being teams up with Skeletor to teach Prince Adam a lesson that he won't soon forget.

Meanwhile, The Mutant is reborn as a hard-hitting Chicago cop who's taking to the streets--and this time it's personal. The Mutant craves justice like Rush Limbaugh craves bacon double cheeseburgers. In the turbid inner city streets besmudged by feculence, The Mutant kicks butt and cleans it too. The Mutant flosses the public ass with a toilet bowl brush named Justice.

In a battle more epic than any since Gilligan fought the Skipper, The Being and The Mutant face off on the nose of a jet 40,000 feet in the air. The mysteries of the Chernobyl disaster are revealed as, passing over Eastern Europe, the jet crash lands at the nuclear facility. The radiation transforms them, respectively, into: Mega Being and Giant Mutant.

After a thirty-minute power-bomb montage, the combaters' attention becomes focused on a small, brown orb. Upon closer inspection, it is recognized as: a potato. A fifty-foot tall Joseph Stalin promptly materializes.

"So, you have unraveled the mystery. Yes, it was I who poisoned the potato that killed The Mutant's wife. And it was I who poisoned Pottsville, Idaho's drinking water with toxic potato ooze, which resulted in The Being's brain becoming entirely activated, which forced him to 'mutilate and decapitate.'"

The Mutant and The Being then join forces to defeat international communism.

"Ultimately, we are all the same," says Kong. "But sometimes it takes giant monsters to demonstrate that. Mankind's deadliest threat will not come from the skies."

Kong, you perverted bastard, you've done it again, my friend.

Ben Ford also hosts his own blogs, including torturedenglish.blogspot.com.