Friday, January 8, 2010


Jackie Kong is the Homer of our times. Take Avatar for instance. It's entire plotline is lifted from Jackie Kong's 1983 circus of cinematic splendor known as "The Being". D'OH.

The Being is the tale of a proto-fascist potato death squad that creates "the ultimate terror". The Being, a schizophrenic dinosaur with no skin, is the most advanced, futuristic weapon in all of rural Idaho. Played by a sneaker encrusted with dung, The Being "mutilates and decapitates".

Hell, The Being even postulates.

Using an elaborate machine, he's also been known to desanguinate. When he gets upset, he "gyrates and vibrates". And when he becomes aroused, he pollinates.

The local High Wizard of the Potato Mafia is able to project his consciousness into The Being using a high speed wireless internet connection. He's also able to download a vast quantity of pornography and store it on a hard drive lodged in The Being's brain.

This is the Potato Wizard's undoing however. His mental universe overun with pornographic images, The Being's testes are kicked into warp-overdrive and his musty six-foot schlong begins projecting a veritable avalanche of chunky smegma like a supernatural fuck-juice cannon. For fifty-five harrowing minutes, the viewer is drenched in gore as The Being endures the longest and most violent orgasm in all of history, ejaculating his internal organs and even his bones.

Then NASA shows up and asks the High Wizard to cut out the funny business. Just like in Avatar.

Ben Ford also hosts his own blogs, including

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