The Inauspicious Beginnings of The Being

Jackie Kong's "The Inauspicious Beginnings of The Being" is a prequel to the famed "The Being". It endeavors to explain how this sentient dildo was transformed into a maniacal maniac.

Birthed to an Otter impregnated by Grimmace, The Being is adopted by a lonely cat-woman (who uncannily resembles my ex-girlfriend's querulous "mother"). His maleficence manifests anon. When a pediatrician suggests a healthy child should not have green sludge coursing through its veins, The Being infiltrates the doctor's buttcrack with his massive, coarse, tentacles. The doctor's urine-logged corpse is found hours later, bloated with fish eggs.

The Being struggles to fit in at school. But no one else likes the XFL.

One boy in particular, Yosemite, teases The Being because he looks like a crushed tit. Yosemite is the son of the local potato mogul.

Inspired by a rousing episode of ALF, The Being fights back. He uses his nascent telepathic powers to seize control of Yosemite's mind and then induces him to consume double cheeseburgers unyieldingly, fostering a bowel movement so compacted it rips him apart to death. All that remains of Yosemite is a granite monolith of crap.

The principle of Pottsville Elementary crosses The Being. Director Jackie Kong raises the bar for cinematic gore in a truly bloodcurdling scene in which The Being reduces this mortal man to a mere puddle of cottage cheese.

Kong clearly means to foreshadow The Being's predilection for burrowing into holes when he shows that as a teenager The Being began sneaking into people's wombs at night.

"The Inauspicious Beginnings of The Being" is Kong at his best. In fact, this is the greatest film I have ever seen in my life.

Ben Ford also hosts his own blogs, including TorturedEnglish.blogspot.com.

Another Thing About "The Being"...

The Being, Jackie Kong's valedictory discharge of whimsy and the macabre, concerns a wet sliver of goose shit come to life. Nourished on mashed potatoes and nuclear sediment, The Being "mutilates and decapitates".

The Being (played by a brown paper bag full of vomit) resembles a macerated Gorilla scrotum. Bejeweled with simmering pustules and mentally crippled by coprophagic compulsions, The Being embarks on a genocidal rampage the likes of which the world has never seen before. Most terrifying of all, it takes place in small-town, USA--a little place I like to call Pottsville, Idaho.

The film is corpulent with complexity. The Being is first of all a genetic freak. This makes perfect sense because his mother became pregnant with him after being molested by Data from the Star Trek: The Next Generation series.

In addition, he is transformed into a half-digested conglomeration of cat turds after gorging on irradiated French fries, (which are technically in no way different from those served at McDonald's today).

Each night, as suburban housewives contemplate the conclusion of that evening's episode of Oprah, The Being emerges from the local disposal dump. Quickly assembling makeshift scaffolding, he scales the walls of his victim's homes and wriggles down the chimney like a Santa Claus from Hell, arrived to deliver one-liners and kickbox the shit out of people.

I guess someone decides to hunt down the malodorous miscreant or something, I haven't seen it in a while.

Anyway, in an anticlimactic final scene it turns out The Being was nothing more than a mop tied to a pair of roller skates.

Ben Ford also hosts his own blogs, including TorturedEnglish.blogspot.com.

Tenement aka Game of Survival

When I purchased this film I never heard of this but taking a chance because it cover art was 80's punk/gang members looking as if they did not meet Charles Bronson yet. I assumed that I was going to be watching a simple film of revenge dealt out by punks on dopes, this is a film that should be shown nightly in the SF moma. I have yet even get to facts about Tenement but I already want your copy purchased by now anyways...

The intro is a slummy Bronx footage with just about the best rap songs with 10 words or less, no I am not sure if there is a grammy for that but there should be. Now this film is a cobb salad of racial stereotypes and for some reason when Disney leaves out violence and make cartoons singing racial stereotypes, its a grand idea to show your children! its beyond me sorry its ranting now. I will get back to the film and from the ground up this is aces in my book! The gang is a glue sniffing rainbow crew of assorted of all color who have all agreed to look beyond petty differences and live in the basement of a tenement and hassle the dwellers of the building... and by now it bananas with stereotypes like the fat drunk Mexican, old Jewish lady and the black handyman, now the teams have been picked, light the powderkeg of pure fun!

This Film has so many things my eyeballs never thought they would get to see and boy are they glad they did! the fat drunk gets a bottle to the head, rats eaten with knifes, dead dog hangings and the main bad guy is a vested palooka named Chato which sounds like Chaco taco with his overplayed accent and the rest of the gang would fit quite nicely in the nosebleed section of the gang treaty from the Warriors.

The plot concerns is the multi cultural gang is unhappy due to the fact, the tenants called the cops and they are back for revenge, when ensues is just about as wonderful as early Troma films. The tenants are a motley crew themselves, focused on the hesitant leader and I see this man as a sympathetic character, just goes to show you... no sleeves and greats arms don't mean you want to lead people and I have faces this problem in my life.

Now lets get to the part where this movie takes a turn for the AMAZING. I have seen very few films that can down right repulse and manage to deliver a solid plot this is your film. I am talking just about one scene in particular, the broomstick rape scene of a woman who just stabs a gang member with a pair of scissors and then she is just punched the crap of by the other gang members and then they take a broom and open her legs and use the broom like a breadstick in her olive garden, while her child is watching.

Before this film is deemed offensive, what is wrong with showing a mirror up to the face of people by showing just how ugly people are. I find that no matter how much vile things on screen, people just never take in account that there is a need for films like this to balance off the Blockbuster way of life. Why in the fuck would you watch another Jason Stratham movie in which he kicks a door? just go into to Blockbuster and see how little choice you have. I went to cockfucker in Sonoma looking for the Running Man for some solid entertainment and the dumpy clerk who after waiting a painful three minutes in line of fuckfaces who dont know nothing but sequels of remakes of something that someone else made. My point is that the broomstick rape seen made not only my roommate leave the room, a bonus of my girlfriend at the time left my apartment and this are moments I cherish.

The rest is a gigglefest of the gang slowly making their way up to the top of the building and all the wacky adventures and grisly deaths, showing you cant keep a rag tag team of dwellers down. The rest of Tenement is a valiant battle of the scared residents using their wits against the glue sniifers.

 

Roberta Findlay has an amazing Imdb profile stuffed with Porn and horror and if you watch the extras, you will see what a goofy broad from New york she is. See this film and fend off remakes and someday it will all be over, we will see a new wave of genre films. I wait for the day that I will see a new film I enjoy and not every three years.

Braindead (1992)

Dear Peter Jackson,
why did you stop making horror films the wold needs more

(5/5)

p.s.. The lord of the rings trilogy is long & boring

Onibaba (1964)

If someone had lice would you steal their hat and wear it? ... No?  Than why would you take a mask from a guy with a melted off face?  What the hell is wrong with you!

(2/5) you can watch it here if you feel like looking at ugly naked people running through tall grass and throwing strangers in a creepy hole

Neon Maniacs

Since I am know for my skills in oneupmensship and its really one of my better qualities. I have to tell people instead of watching Nightbreed, people should seek out a lovely lesser known film Neon Maniacs. The films starts out just as one would guess, with an older dude all alone and with the "what sound was that look on the face" boom he gets greased when he finds tarot cards with creatures who predate Nightbreed by four years, and still manage to outgay Clive Barker and thats hard to do! Now the Maniacs are a rogues gallery of monsters who looks like someone got a great deal on bulk costumes, theres a biker, a doctor, a doglike thing, something that looks like a booger with sharp teeth, samuri and a bunch of stotic non verbal killers. The focus of the story has shades of peyton place and romeo and juliet...not really, its about the lovely blond girl who has her in the woods party attacked by the neon maniacs and she is the only one to live to tell the tale. She has little help by the people who think she made it all up, this allows a reason to bring in the nerdish hero guy who happens to be in a Rick Springfield influenced band and he happens to believe she is not lying. The film progresses quite nicely with a classmate who makes horror movies and is a pest, wackiness ensues as it goes into the final act and I will not tell you where it happens and if you've ever seen one horror film it will come to no suprise and its open ended 80's finish makes you wish you grew up watching this expand into a franchise, sadly it was just Jason takes Manhattan and it may be for the best because most genre just became self parody and I would throw this baby in a lake before I let any harm or remake would arise.

Ginger Snaps (2000)

New Title - She wolfs time of the month

(5/5)

The Being, Again

Foreboding fog emanates from the fog machine inadvertently captured in the lower left corner of the screen. An acrid odor seeps from the local disposal dump. Night looms and The Being lurks.

What a horrible night to have a curse.

And cursed Potsville, Idaho is. Cursed with a twelve foot tall bipedal sausage that "mutilates and decapitates."

Every night The Being, a sentient conglomeration of circumcised foreskin, emerges from his sophisticated system of underground tunnels to terrorize ordinary people--people just like you and me.

His maniacal rampage begins with the brutal execution-style killing of a man in his own home. The Being knocks on the front door. A bare-chested man opens the door and snaps his red, white and blue suspenders against his chest as he greets the deranged dildo-shaped monster. "What can I do for ya? This ain't no hour to be bangin on people's doors, ya know." The Being stares as a strong wind plucks three-inch blue-gray hairs from the man's stout corpus, dense with a century's worth of accreted bumpkin cuisine.

"Well?" The man gestures for a response. The Being shoots him with laser beams.

The Being then stumbles upon two young lovers in the park while he is foraging for used condoms. He interrupts their séance with more laser beams.

Just when you thought The Being embodied only the macabre, he rescues a kitten from a tree. "Thanks again, The Being," says old lady Speransky, pink curlers clinging to her head as The Being hands her Muffy. They smile at each other like a Mentos commercial.

Then he lobs her head off and fucks the cat.

The film has a bit of a queer ending however. While renovating his catacombs a logistical error causes The Being to become lodged in some plumbing with his head protruding into someone's toilet bowl. The proprietor of the toilet recognizes The Being from a poster he saw at the post office which read, "Wanted Dead or Alive or Crammed in a Pipe". The man flushes the toilet, and with this gesture purges evil from the very bowels of Potsville.

Jackie Kong's The Being is like an onion. Every time you watch it you unravel another layer.

And then you start crying.

Ben Ford also hosts his own blogs, including torturedenglish.blogspot.com.

Nightbreed (1990)

This must have been based on the Morlocks (a tribe of sewer mutants from the x-men comics)

 (4/5)

Unholy Moly's Top ten for Two Thousand and Nine

in no good order  here is my top ten of the year

• John Lithgow - way to trump the 5000 actors who played serial killers on Dexter I honestly wanted a spin-off of some sort

 

• The M.J. Conspiracy - Desperate for money to keep living his eccentric life style Michael Jackson faked his death to give his record sales life again it was the only way to get past his alleged pedophilia 

• Krampus - I just learned of this amazing creatures existence American children are missing out on fearing Krampus
  

• Type O Negative at the Palladium - They were slow deep and hard

• C.O.D.M.W. 2 - I've been a 24 hour killing machine  ever since this came out

•  My 10 Speed Gargamel - It's rusty and noisy and bad ass 

• Motorhead at The H.O.B. - The only god I need is Lemmy 

• Meeting Malcolm McDowell - " Welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, well. To what do I owe the extreme pleasure of this surprising visit?" I wish he greeted me like that

• The Orphan - Its great when you think a movie is going to suck and it kicks you in the fucking neck and tells you that you know nothing

• Chandra said yes!!! - someone wants to spend the rest of their life with me
  

2009 was a long long year but a lot of good things came out of it in the end unfortunately there were far more terrible things hopefully 2010 is boring or at the least my truck lives another year  

- regretfully yours, Unholy Moly

Casual dress for a shallow grave's Top ten for Two Thousand and Nine

10. Find out today that Susan Sarandon is single again, She proves that milf does a body good.

9. Going to see paranormal activity, it had none of the screaming like a bitch men in the advert. Knowing that it was a good movie, but felt the ending was trite just to please the masses with buttered fingers and screaming children whom all later enjoyed a fun outting to the mall.

8. combining all the different ways to watch films (Hulu, netflix, video room, crackle and theaters) into one nonstop movie that my life is.

7. Troll 2, so much to say about this film. I would need a separate earth to house all the love in my heart for Troll 2.

6. WWE greatest managers documentry, Classy Freddy Blassie is a man I have idolized even since I found out what the man stood for. I had my life changed for the better after reading his book and I took the mantle of warning the world about the peril of pencil neck geeks and what harm they cause the world.

5. Chicago and Earth, wind and fire at the Greek theater.

4. Getting my fat ass to the gym, sheet cake is ranked 11 to 43 in my best of list.

3. Going though the entire seires of the Shield.

2. Making a joke of Brittany Murphy's death as soon as I found out about it, by saying she was the female Heath Ledger and Perez Hilton just put up the same headline after me...Sorry Bitch. FIRST!

1. Introducing my girlfriend to the best show to ever exist, Father Ted. Father Ted is the funniest show ever to not get heard of by the masses, if course it was from the bbc, it had to be from England because it does not reflect the 2.5 kill yourself picket fence suburb hell that most sitcoms have, Sorry Tim Allen drugs did not make you funny or edgy, just made you a lame ass decked out in plaid, wheres your career? Is it sitting on the pocket of a santa suit in a broom closet of a Disney soundstage?

This does not sum up my entire year, but just a few moments in time. Fuck anyone who still holds a candle for god, ghosts or anyone ooga booga shit, that cannot be verified with science. I have been told all my life to respect beliefs of others. I have become more focused in my anger towards "beliefs" seeing that just fifty years ago people wanted me dead just because I fell in the jewish way of life, I make an effort to turn my back towards anything pretaining to "faith" Faith itself disgusts me, its the perfect way to have a bottomfeeder have the ability to end an arguement by saying " I see you have presented your facts, but I will still go to church every sunday so I can pay rent to my invisible landlord".

Make the most of your new year and crush the windpipe of anyone who would harm animals(besides bacon)

La marca del Hombre-lobo (1968)

The American name for this film is Frankenstein's bloody terror watching it there was no Frankenstin or his monster just some satanic vampires and a few wolf-men who like to wrestle

(5/5)

The Others (2001)

The Others is Beetlejuice without any comedy  just a uptight woman locking doors

(3/5)

Mutant

A specter is haunting Goodland--the specter of Mutant.

Mutant, born free but everywhere in chains, constitutes "a danger that lurks below."

But that's not all.

God, no.

A "ghoulish tale" directed by John "Bud" Carlos, Mutant transports its viewers to the ninth circle of hell--which just happens to be a "small midwestern town."

Bo Hopkins plays...some guy who travels to Goodland to...solve mysteries or some shit. After a truculent backwoodsman and his petulant coterie of clodhoppers forces Bo and his brother--an invalid that wears a propeller cap--to drive off a bridge by beleaguering him with a barrage of "Yo' mama" jokes, Bo decides to head into town to meet some local women. There he meets...whatever character Jennifer Warren plays...whoever Jennifer Warren is.

Meandering aimlessly in a giant diaper and yellow duck slippers, Bo's brother stumbles upon a homeless man that relates a foreboding message. "Stay out of Goodland. Get out while there's still time." It turns out that the local chemical plant has been illegally dumping toxic waste, and several farmers have gone missing. The old man vanishes. Bo's brother licks his oversized lollipop.

Then like two and a half hours go by during which Mutant kills like one person.

Mutant is no The Being, that's for sure.

Phantoms Phantoms Phantoms

Phantom of the Opera, The (1925) 

•  The Phantom = Some sort of awesome man baboon who is really good with a noose
  
• Christine Daaé = She looks like she is doing the vogue
• The Film = Its funny how a silent film can put all its remakes to shame 

(5/5)

Fantasma dell'opera, Il (1998)

• The Phantom = A sketchy hessian dude raised by rats who enjoys a good power walk around the cave
• Christine Daaé = A clingy slut who throws a tantrum the second the phantom needs some phantom time
• The Film =  the phantom with gore sex and giant human traps in the sky like most argento movies it leaves you wondering what the fuck did i just watch

(2/5)

Phantom of the Opera, The (2004)

• The Phantom = A greasy gym rat who lost his right eyebrow
• Christine Daaé = Completely insane, she believes her dead father is teaching her to sing through her mirror
• The Film = A terrible musical that makes the story drawn out and confusing 

(1/5)

Thoughts and proverbs, but mainly shit references

I will start out by saying that Rob Zombie's use of cartoon boobs may fall flat to most people, but on the other hand, he did make it possible for someone to hear metal while getting a lapdance in the 90's.

Avitar??? what the fuck is this fruitcake movie about, not that one jar-jar binks was bad enough...lets fill a room with salamander men, great idea fucknuts. I understand that the world is starved for original ideas that will shell out bucks to see what college kids are able to do with their laptops nowadays.

Life is tough for any fan of genre films, enough good mags like videoscope are including major blockbuster crap in their reviews. I have to say its not that I only watch genre but when I go to Star market, I don't want them selling me a wristwatch. Horror fans are either people who cling to the past and won't let the ship go down until its clear that it was better in the past, thats the way I see things or there are the new breed of horror fans who like fast running zombies and gobshite remakes that have young people and current trends, as to lure in the teen fanbase. I really should also point out foreign horror is trying its best to flog a dead horse with a feather duster... get it its different. J-horror K horror or any horror with a letter in front of it, whatever. I did watch Inside which is a french film or as I like to call it Freedom-horror, anyways its a real nutter of a movie and a quality gigglefest for someone like me. overall good film and it got you into the fucked up situation and showed just how far it could be taken, I did have a problem when it did use the jumpy edit J-horror garbage... proving in the tiolet of cinema there will always be floaties in the water of creativity.

What was meaning of this rant, not sure but it does define the boundaries of my own interests when I subject myself to stare in the sunken eyes of corpse of horror.

Amanti d'oltretomba (1965)

If you can make people younger with your science why would you need to kill your wife for her inheritance ???

carnivore - inner conflict

I stumbled across this video that makes me feel so vary lame for loving the same song as this shirtless asshole looks like this time I lose

The Haunted World of El Superbeasto (2009)

Someone needs to inform rob zombie that cartoon tittys are not as funny as he thinks they are 

Hard Rock Zombies (1985)

A true hair metal band needs two things spandex and a pedophile

The Sentinel (1977)

 Ghosts of killers have a birthday party for a cat and if you try to kill yourself god turns you into a nun

The Mist (2007)

This is a story about what happens to quitters ( what a great ending )

Metropolis (1927)

This poor guys job fucking sucks its like a bad ticket game where theirs no prizes and no end