Thursday, December 31, 2009

The Inauspicious Beginnings of The Being

Jackie Kong's "The Inauspicious Beginnings of The Being" is a prequel to the famed "The Being". It endeavors to explain how this sentient dildo was transformed into a maniacal maniac.

Birthed to an Otter impregnated by Grimmace, The Being is adopted by a lonely cat-woman (who uncannily resembles my ex-girlfriend's querulous "mother"). His maleficence manifests anon. When a pediatrician suggests a healthy child should not have green sludge coursing through its veins, The Being infiltrates the doctor's buttcrack with his massive, coarse, tentacles. The doctor's urine-logged corpse is found hours later, bloated with fish eggs.

The Being struggles to fit in at school. But no one else likes the XFL.

One boy in particular, Yosemite, teases The Being because he looks like a crushed tit. Yosemite is the son of the local potato mogul.

Inspired by a rousing episode of ALF, The Being fights back. He uses his nascent telepathic powers to seize control of Yosemite's mind and then induces him to consume double cheeseburgers unyieldingly, fostering a bowel movement so compacted it rips him apart to death. All that remains of Yosemite is a granite monolith of crap.

The principle of Pottsville Elementary crosses The Being. Director Jackie Kong raises the bar for cinematic gore in a truly bloodcurdling scene in which The Being reduces this mortal man to a mere puddle of cottage cheese.

Kong clearly means to foreshadow The Being's predilection for burrowing into holes when he shows that as a teenager The Being began sneaking into people's wombs at night.

"The Inauspicious Beginnings of The Being" is Kong at his best. In fact, this is the greatest film I have ever seen in my life.

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1 comment:

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